As we lay in the boat while the sun said goodbye,
Softly kissing as gulls flew above,
Gently bobbing on waves as we started to sigh
For the wonder of falling in love.
We both touched where we might and we learned how to please
While the boat rocked us both where we lay.
Then I smiled at the sight as you undressed to tease
And the sun said goodbye to the day.
With my lips surely placed and your hands in my hair,
Underneath us the sea seemed to know,
That I'd thrill to the taste of the pleasures we'd share
As the Sun gave her last fiery glow.
You can sing to the sky and the Moon and the stars
On a boat that will rock to our joy,
While the music we make is the song of guitars
That the sounds of the waves can't destroy.
When we join in the way that all lovers are joined
And the sea seems to say that we must,
At the end of the day a new language is coined;
In a boat full of loving and lust.
In a list
- Rhyme and Meter Workshop group list • next in list
A contest entry
- BLOSSOM FOR ME AND WE WILL BLOOM TOGETHER by Swan song.
450 points, ended August 23, 6 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Kind of adds new meaning to that old song DON'T ROCK THE BOAT BABY LOL
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Outstanding
I liked how you linked images of the sea with the sensual love that you describe so well in the poem. The rhyme and meter are smooth and fluid and don't detract from the rest of the poem. I found this quite tranquil- the love boat and the tides. Beautiful imagery. Best of luck in the contest.
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I think you have just about nurdled it into passable shape now.
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Oh cor blimey you're at it again!
You do this sort of thing so well, and use this structure as though bewitched. BUT, I have one or two niggles (I wouldn't be me if I didn't!). Line 3, I can't help feeling that "just" is a filler word. Between lines 6 and 7 there seems to be an anacoluthon, and to my mind it doesn't work.
Nonetheless, a poem by you with niggles by me is worth a row of bunnies in anyone's money!
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Wonderful job here as amera said.
You nailed it as always and have to say
I agree with the dirty old man..but I wont get into
details
Love
Passions
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Perfect! You nailed the meter to a Tee! I think it's erotic yet mild enough to be classy. You painted a wonderful scene. "You diry old man"
Love,
Amera♥
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Oh, Wow!
The whole piece is double boffo but that third verse is such graceful wordsmithing it deserves a prize of its own.
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