She could sway her hips
all she wanted to
jangle her bangles
and purse her lips into
a passion den
no way would he
give in
or leave his common sense
on the floor by her bed
not this time -
he ordered a drink,
ignored his favorite song
she spent three quarters
to play to play to play
with his heart
it was always his heart
buried in her thick hair,
pounding against breasts
writing its will
with a rum filled pen
while he pissed on the poets
she kept on her porch.
She could press her belly
into his back
raise that red skirt
like an arrow to heaven
pull him with a pout
till his guts fell out
but not tonight,
not again.
In a list
A contest entry
- Sorry: Invitation Only by Amera.
8000 points, ended August 20, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
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oh you are soooo very good!!!! Well done and congrats
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hmm, how many times have I left my common sense at the foot of a bed...what a battle life is. Another masterpiece.
Rory
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"she spent three quarters
to play to play to play
with his heart
it was always his heart
buried in her thick hair,
pounding against breasts"
excellent, Lane...I am soooo staying out of this contest
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if you stay out of the contest I will have to open a can of whoop ass
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I commented on this as a reader, and now as a judge.
This spoke to me personally, almost like it was written for me. It is one fantastic talent to have to be able to do this. It tells a story of star-crossed lovers and I get to feel their torment, like two sailboats tacking for the same point and from bad communication not coordinating their efforts and losing wind when emergency adjustments are made so they don't collide and sink, wouldn't that be ironic, and they never quite reach the end much like this convoluted sentence.
But, more than that, this poem speaks of passion, of false passion, of love and betrayal, and almost in a barrage of images and not just words. That quality just amazes and bugs me. (In the wrong hands this is a diabolical weapon.)
Took a few seconds to get the red skirt reference. That made me think, "Why can't I write like that?"
(Though that is something I would NEVER say.)
I feel joy just getting to give a public critique to this poem and consider it a most worthy entry in our contest.
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... anymore and I'd be accused of trying to sway the judge my way. You know what your comment means to me. Nuff said. Love, lane
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Put the cash in the usual spot.
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"while he pissed on the poets
she kept on her porch."
Sensational. This was a kick in the guts poet. I loved it.
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I love that you loved it. Thank you so much again for your words and your applause. Love, Lane
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She could....he couldn't....that old struggle eternal between the genders...You write the most intimate and subtle pieces the way a surgeon uses a scalpel...precise and effective and making it seem effortless....so, why do I feel drained?...must be all the wile-ing around ...great write in great Lane style. Best of luck in the contest. Peace, Rhonda
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Rhonda, forgive me for replying a day late. You make me so happy when you come to my poetry. Thank you very much. Love, Lane
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wow..this is stunning, wonderful write and good luck though i doubt you need it,lol.
take care, Stephanie ♥
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Stephanie awww, I just like to enter contests...no big deal, but knowing you like my poem - that is a big deal to me
Love, Lane
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awww thanks *huggles*
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You have no idea how happy you made me that you agreed to enter our contest. It’s like inviting the first lady to my bachelorette party and she actually shows up. You are that good of a poet in my eyes.
This poem is pure Lane; filled with visuals that explode then revert back to inner thoughts and feelings. This poem gives me an amazing bird’s eye view of the conflicts that arise between the sexes. You put me directly into the poem and I smile as I feel the feminine games we play then the frustration that occurs when they don’t work. I know I’m not qualified to judge free verse poetry but at least I can express how a poem makes me feel. Thank you so much for your entry.
Love,
Amera♥
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you know how to get to me, sweetheart...
Love, Lane
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this, it is my opinion, deserves publication!!! Very well conceived in every original way.
`take care,
~pithyAplomB.
Perfection in Prose!!!!!!!
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Ooooh, I felt this down to my core... Excellent my friend.
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Two people not quite meeting at the bridge between the sexes, portrayed to perfection, two vignettes on two different lives that clearly never quite meshed as they should.
Pure poetry.
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Hi ~ We all have used our feminine wiles I also took from this poem a sense of his determination & pain. An age old occurance, Fantastic write!
Pp -
stories are written time and time again..words are lost yet the images brings the words back just to look into the life once again..and ..every time you come with a thought ..to provoke...
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Saki concoctions...
ding! no referee, huh? just a column of rich intensity rising with the ebb and flow of your poetic rhythm - nicely done, Lane Smith. I was most intrigued by the rum filled pen - i wonder why?
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NICE!! Impressive penning! Enjoyed this greatly, thank you.
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I love these life stories. They're just wonderful and beautiful and I could go on into etcetera saying that. .....I wonder why I entered this lol
'tis beauty in writing.
Meg~
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My Lady
He knows he's gonna lose, she knows, we know. It's just a matter of feminine wiles over male ego. It's a re-run, wiles wins 8 rounds out of 10.
Oh the poem, awesome.
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What Daviscth and Swan song said!!!
This is undefinable except by your own name. It's Dalaney, it's amazing, I love it.
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As always dear you write with a class beyond words and I do not think you will ever Nor will I grow tired of such a sensual and lovely penning!!!!
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Gee, thank you so much, Jeff What a great comment! love, lane
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Excuse me while I look in my dictionary for a new word to describe your talent!!!
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all I want to do is tell stories and write halfway decent poetry about life...no talent involved, just a passion to explode on paper Love, Lane
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Wow. Wow. Wow. You captured the essence here.
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sometimes, just getting a wow is the best anyone can say Thank you for three of them. Love to you, Lane
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Seduction is like balancing someone's desire on a knife’s edge,
As too much trying can tip the winds of chance
In any round.
Best to rope-a-dope in the fourth through eight rounds
So he wears himself out (for it’s the mid-rounds of
Anything in life where one either establishes a winning edge or simply becomes exhausted.)
Feigning disinterest at the proper moments however
Is like igniting a handful of magnesium in their souls.
“Gotcha!”……and their eyebrows are burnt off as your
Fist impacts their left temple.
God, I think I have a concussion?
Where the hell is the ice??
Len
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Well, she certainly is not going to give up, to be sure. I love the short couplets--each its own quick punch to draw him, and the reader, into the round. So nicely done, Lane.
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Your applause and your comment are so appreciated, my friend Thank you. Love, Lane
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Yeah, he's a goner! I like the "not again" makes you wonder how many times he's fallen prey to her charms. Very seductive!
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Thank you so much I wrote this half asleep! I certainly wasn't expecting to get many responses...lol Love, Lane
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Well written and yet....
I want to not believe this....it flies in the face of "the well rounded individual", common sense, and everything holy and erotic...even if well written..... -
yeah?
really??? 
.... well, let me tell ya young lady, all that fancy smancy body ruffle pretty leggie bottom sveltie rubbie and stuff ... 
.. never works with me ... 
... but but my secret is this: you feed my pet turtle or duck and I'm yers .. if either one nods or starts walks walking in circles when you come around, I'll marry ya and and ... if the duck raises its bill and quacks when I mention yer name, well, humpf,,, then then then and only then will there not be a round two ...
smartie pants beautiful poetry!!! whaddayou womenthink us men are a bunch of softie woftiee sissie pies????
that red skirt deal like an arrow to heaven ...
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Thank you, Danni
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You get more comments in three hours than I get ever.
I think i like red, it's my new color.
Joe
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Why would I ever want to ignore you?? I've been out of town taking care of a relative who was hurt badly in a mva. His heart is doing fine, thank God, otherwise I'd have to ask you to come here and be the Watcher. Love, Laney
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This just smacks of gold!
A terrific write that just lilted along.
My favourite lines are:
She could sway her hips
all she wanted to
jangle her bangles
Just seems so...feminine! -
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Slayer....Thank you for reading my poetry and for commenting. I don't know if this deserves gold (I'm up against the best on this site!) but I sure do appreciate the compliment. Love, Lane
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Almost has that lyrical quality in it, to hum along with the words and the feelings in it. Nice job here
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Ahh yes.. the battles of love and lust! I still felt at the end that his resistance might be futile and round two would be left once again to fight!!
Stunning write Lane, always love your style !!
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Thank you so much, Jacks It's so good to know you've been by to read my poetry. Love, Lane
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OK I surrender... my hopes of gold just flew out of the window!
You sneak in here while my back is turned, you don't even say hi, and you drop a beauty like this as you leave. Ooooh! You get me utterly riled!
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Ah, the teasing tango of love, brilliant Lane, and I love the couplet form, very effective to the overall structure as it gave the piece a nice, playful rhythm.
All the best,
With much love,
Mj.
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I noticed you did not list intelligence as one of the qualities he possessed if so I wouldn't have thought as highly of the write as I do
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As always, it is so good to read your comments, and I thank you for the little yellow guys Love, Lane
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God Bless...I am running out of words here!!! Too mucch, mmuusstt breaatthhee...
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lol...you nut Thanks for reading Love, Lane
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