What is this?
Like the sound of one
domino falling,
almost imperceptibly,
inside of me.
A gale,
as on the west coast of Africa,
gesturing to storms that move
over warm, tropical waters,
Or just a gust of wind
that blows through me
then fades away.
Is this the sensation
at inception?
Like the door to insouciance
slowly, silently shutting,
never to reopen.
A gentle hand
upon your throat.
Innocent.
Ambiguous.
Is this how it begins?
- NANGALEEMA
What parts do you like most? Least? [Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I must say that the imagery present in this piece was outstanding...There are some parts that read awkward to me: Is this what if feels like at the very beginning? Like a door somewhere deep within you, slowly closing, never to reopen...It read very different in lieu of the other parts of it...I think it could be presented in a different fashion...or the image in that sense removed...perhaps..if keeping the door..."Does the beginning feel like: a slow closing door, never to reopen to my grasp...?"
Anyway...I especially adored the second stanza.
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thank you for your comments on my poem Ennui. i found your input useful and i intend to rework my poem with your suggestions in mind. i appreciate your honest, helpful critique. cheers! - NANGALEEMA
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Yes, cheers. Feel free leave me a message when you do edit.
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Hmm, not my vision and definition of aura. More like a door deap within you that finaly opened. I liked the first stanza the best. Somewhat makes me relate to a chain reaction that is set off at a sight, scent, feeling, voice of something, inside of me.
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i didn't intend the poem to read as the definition of the title. i have changed the title after reading your critique. maybe it serves my point better now. thanks for the input. - NANGALEEMA
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Very interesting.
Was the last word just some word you made up to get out your frusturation?
I must say I found that confusing.
Other than that you did a great job. -
Is this how it begins?
I guess it is.
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A gentle hand
upon your throat.
Innocent.
Ambiguous.
Is this how it begins?
i found the ending powerful
I couldnt quite pick the meaning,
the door closing
the gentle hand upon your throat
sounded like a relationship ending
the ending had menace...i dont think its a poetic term, but i love the idea of using menace in poetry, not explicit, not too subdued, just slightly creepy, without being overtly so eg the gentle hand on your throat
. Rewarded 8
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I really like this. I like the one domino sound.
it's all really good - but the whole poem makes me wonder
what 'this' is, what is 'beginning' here?
you know? maybe that was your intention, not sure...lol.
. Rewarded 4
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Hi Tara, i originally wrote this poem from the perspective of someone trying to self analyse, to detect the beginnings of something sinister taking place inside themself - something beyond their control. i was specifically writing about mental illness but intentionally left it open ended in the hopes that the poem would lend itself to wider interpretations, with the title being a reference to the halo of light people sometimes see before getting a migraine.
i wondered if i left it too vague - i might rewrite.
thank you for commenting. - Mary Jo
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i wonder at the mystery in this poem. it doesn't reveal anything about the exterior situations, but hauntingly reveals much about the inner desperation of mind. the stz
Is this what it feels like
at the very beginning?
Like a door
somewhere deep within you
slowly closing,
never to reopen.
is bewitchingly beautiful.
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