Neon Venus fly trap flickers
mocking the night’s desperation
the alluring charmer, of lonely souls.
Many line the cobblestone streets
where the city shows its age.
Wanton deprived libidos
beckon to the sirens call
if only for a moment, illuminating
the darkened halls of their heart.
Emotional needs met
on the surface at best.
They reach deep under skin
to be shallowly sated.
Such a high cost
for the fleeting pleasures
of instant gratification.
The primitive lower brain
where the caveman dwells
has its satisfaction of instinct.
Yet still the soul goes
unnoticed or nourished.
Sad the man, who is only aware
of the lower power residing within.
For he shall never know the joy
beyond such earthly delights
of one who is truly self aware!
Author notes
POM
Theme: The chains holding man to the instinctual needs of the animal within Blind to the spiritual side of himsself
In a list
A contest entry
- The temptations of life by annesall235.
425 points, ends December 10, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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A good write the imagery is astonishing
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I really like your wording - full of depth and great images.
best wishes in this contest.
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Hi and welcome to the Pom contest
this piece that you have written is
rather good I have a few spots in
it that made me have to go back
and read to get the full understanding
of what you were trying to get to
but I did get it. I have seen this written about before
so it is not that uncommon to me but non the less
it is well written and I enjoyed this piece.
My score will appear with my end notes
best wishes and much luck.
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Hi Bill
Lots of depth here my Friend.....a tad heavy on the abstract Tone, yet visible through your wise thoughts ~
I agree with your other Judges, as they have picked up on some good points and left worthy reviews to enhance this write ~
My scoreboard shall say the rest....good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.6...I would click on this Title, yet, not the best....a tad vague -
Flow 9.7..nice....punc's used at just the right places..abstract Tone did slow me down a hair in the beginning -
Depth 9.75....good depth...just a tad deeper than what I usually read, so had to slow down, but that is not your fault
-Theme 9.45..abstract thought is hard to conquer in such a short write, I'm glad you had 40 lines to work with -
Feelings 9.1..watch out for loss of personification -
Grammar 9.4...simple, elementary...yet affective -
Presentation 9.9...way to be creative with quatrans, triolets and such -
Uncommonness 9.6...nice....but looking for more creativity with POWER -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.4...I did ponder, but more-so about your write itself -
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Bears Score: 95.9
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi Bill,
Very nice piece here, but some of your line breaks and punctuation could use some revamping. ie: "the alluring charmer, of lonely souls". I think you could do without the comma here, it breaks up the thought too much so I think it would read better as "the alluring charmer of lonely souls". You had good metaphors on the whole, but as Trista said a little too straightforward in many places. It does tend to read as prose-ish, but I think you could reverse that effect with a few word changes like the first stanza for ex:
"Neon Venus fly trap flickers
mocking the night’s desperation
the alluring charmer, of lonely souls.
Many line the cobblestone streets
where the city shows its age."
if you said instead
Neon Venus fly--
trapping flickers;
Mocking night's desperation,
an alluring charmer of lonely souls,
lining cobblestone streets--
where the city shows it age;
Just food for thought anyway
The title was another thing that was just too straightforward and gave away too much of the poem I think. Something a little more cryptic would draw the reader in and then your words should hold their attention and their imagination.
Well I will let my scores speak the rest:
Title 9.4...I would not click on this Title...didn't intrigue me, it seemed to tell me the contents of the poem without me having to read it.
Flow 9.55....this read kinda choppy because of punctuation problems and line breaks
Depth 9.75....good depth but would like to have seen a little more metaphor and mystery.
Theme 9.75..good Theme....read a lot similar though, hard to be creative with such a topic, but you did an overall good job.
Feelings 9.15...lacking..this Theme could have been filled with emotion, it could have weeped for lost virtue but it didn't for me, probably because it read so prose-ish.
Grammar 9.5....simple but effective
Presentation 9.65....nice job, except for a few line break issues.
Uncommonness 9.25...nice....but looking for more creativity -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.25...I didn't ponder, it told me, I didn't have to wonder or figure anything out.
Ability to follow Rules 10...prefect from what I can tell -
Cupcrazy’s Score: 95.25
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Nice review bunny
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Thanks Bear
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Hi Bill, it’s good to see you in the POM
Let’s jump right in, yes?
You have a really good message here to work with, and I loved the imagery of that first stanza especially. There’s a good metaphor within it...and to be honest...I’d have loved to see a lot more of those in the rest of the poem!
To me...this is just a little too straightforward. On the one hand, it gives the poem good clarity and you know your message is going to get across to the reader. On the other hand, it doesn’t give me a lot to ponder or consider afterward since it’s all spelled so clearly. Soooo....it was a bit weak on impact...for me....but other judges are coming behind me, so I’ll be interested to see what they think. At the end...I saw your exclamation point and thought to myself, “Oh, I’m supposed to be excited at this point”...so I rather felt like you were using the punctuation to try and get the reader to take notice of the message, rather than letting the words themselves give the impact...and I hope that makes sense the way I’m describing it.
Also...This is more prose-ish than I like to see...many of your stanzas could be written out as whole sentences, and that hurts the poetic tone.
I do have a few small, specific suggestions...
Generally, you need commas to separate adjectives. For example:
“Wanton (comma) deprived libidos”
“The primitive (comma) lower brain”
“Sad the man, who is only aware “ This was awkward to me...and broke the flow a bit...I’d suggest a comma after “sad” and removing the one after “man”.
“Yet still the soul goes” I’m not crazy about having “Yet still” there...seems redundant...one or the other would be better IMO...but if you do keep both, (or even one) I suggest a comma after “still”.
There are quite a few other places I think you could use commas, a few too many to list here I’m afraid, but those are the main ones I noticed. Commas are a great way to slow your poem down and control the pace...you want your reader to really absorb what you’re saying, so don’t make him/her rush though the poem.
“unnoticed or nourished.’
How about, “unnoticed and unnourished” here?
You start out with such great imagery; don’t forget to balance the rest of the poem with a mix of the deep thoughts you present and more imagery. Oh, and metaphors are your friend as well. That Venous Fly that starts out the poem...would have loved to see more of it mixed in, or at the very least mentioned again at the end.
Other areas I looked at will be with my scores in the final notes of the contest...Remember, no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are awarded...
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J.
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Great review Julie
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lovely penning with deep questions and thinking
Sad the man, who is only aware
of the lower power residing within.
For he shall never know the joy
beyond such earthly delights
of one who is truly self aware!
great stanza WTG
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Great metaphors here, superbly penned piece. The first verse is my fave, strong and powerful imagery there. Much luck in the contest
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Beautiful I loved the imagery as well as the metaphors that you used to describe and create the scenes that you have, Thank you for sharing your work
later
Romeo
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