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Genesis (haiku)

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i

balmy sun downy
dusk supple nude hide curves 
starlit expose`


ii

palm frond tankini
toes rising two coconuts
tan island bristles


iii

tickle push swing turns
back cheek giggle kiss tickle
nurture tot we three







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Please point out the high ku and the low ku.

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • Poet Muse gold member
    September 12

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    Profound...

    Not to mention very thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing your muse's awesome masterwork!!! Peace, cyn


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar gold member
    August 30

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    Humm..using dance pattern of the words brings magic in the expression..and in the poetry..you did wonderful job here..


  • Rowan gold member
    August 30

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    It does seem quite abstract... but I love the word combinations, and it works. Great title, too.


    • paulcreates silver member
      August 30
      Edit | Reply
      Yea, I'm going to spiff up the third one. Now that I go back and read, the meaning isn't quite as clear as when I first developed it.
      Also, I'm not too sure if the monosyllabic nature of that third one fits with the others. I'll have to play with it a bit more.
      Thank you Kathleen.

      Paul

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    August 30

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    iii is great fun - very inventive. I love the way you are playing around with the haiku/senryu form, making it almost abstract. Not something I'd put up with from someone who didn't know what he was doing!


    • paulcreates silver member
      August 30
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much Mairi. The prompt here was "sensual" so I had hoped that I'd achieved that to at least some degree. I'll certainly check out the haiku link you sent.

      Paul

  • Amera gold member
    August 29

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    This is such a wonderful image filled Senryu and you did a great job linking the images together in three seperate poems that will stand alone.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Sandal
    August 28
    Edit | Reply
    I love the tropics, perhaps because I don't live there all the time! I like the imagery and movement, but I'm not seeing the fragment and phrase structure that makes the images haiku. I am just a beginner and I often don't see everything that is there.


    • paulcreates silver member
      August 29
      Edit | Reply
      Sandal thank you for your kind and candid comments. What I strive for in a haiku is a balance between the obvious and the obscure - between the isolated word and the simple written sentence. So often I read a perfectly understandable haiku, yet it comes across to me as only a sentence. I do need to work on incorporating traditional themes a bit more (i.e. seasons) but this haiku I was working from the prompt "sensual" and I didn't see a season in my head. I'm still learning too.
      I do think that if you read too many "sentence" haiku they all start to look "correct" as sentences.
      Again, thank you for stopping in my friend.

      Paul

  • Thomas Scott gold member
    August 28
    Edit | Reply
    Yeah!
    Great use of the form, Paul.


  • Dalaney gold member
    August 28

    Edit | Reply
    thank you for posting this. never keep something as beautiful as these three poems to yourself...share and inspire. Love, Lane

1 - 14 of 14