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In Flux

Missing image

Time is water -

        elusive and thin

 

You cup your hands to collect

as much as possible

but it spills over and slips through the cracks

        between bony fingers

and shining moments.

 

 

Days rush by

like river currents -

        flooded and swift,

but utterly lacking direction -

so easy to drift

or get sucked under

and surface far from where you started

or meant to be.

 

 

Still -

we insist on attempting

to master the flow,

unwilling to accept

       a lack of control

or admit defeat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Written while waiting in line, in the pouring rain, to pick my boss's kids up from school.

Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 28 of 28

  • gllarso
    September 8

    Edit | Reply
    A more perfect analogy for time, I can't imagine...time is very elusive and thin, and no matter what we do to try and control it, capture it; it always manages to slip through our fingers. Beautiful imagery and detail, I love it.
    -Garrett


  • SEA angel
    September 8

    Edit | Reply

    You are a gifted writer...

    A gifted writer is able to capture the soul of a thought like a delicate butterfly. Not losing the essence... Then, releasing for others to see the moment where time and space met to dance in metaphors of meaning in a burst of imagery.


  • Beyond Zion
    September 8

    Edit | Reply

    Metaphoric

    I like the metaphors here there is a lot more to be taken from this Poem than the lines and words. Nice one!


  • moon2u silver member
    September 8
    Edit | Reply
    You poem deserves to be spotlighted
    bravo


  • Amera gold member
    September 8

    Edit | Reply
    Gee! I missed this and found it in the spotlight. I think it's absolutly wonderful and well deserving of the recognition. I love your "bony fingers".

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • thejollytinker gold member
    September 8

    Edit | Reply
    You ever stop and there will be repercussions. Back off a little and keep your bony fingers to yourself, dammit. I love it when a good plan comes together...and us riverboat men never lose a barge. What a write- beats talking about dogs, for sure.


  • notorious
    September 7
    Edit | Reply
    Huzzah! Congrats to being Spotlighted...by me

    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      September 7

      Edit | Reply
      awww thank you!!!

      you're the only person who has ever spotlighted any of my poems!!! this makes the second you've deemed worthy!

      thanks hon!

  • cameron-boyd
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    sounds like your job sucks... unless your boss is a friend, rather than just getting you to do that.

    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      LOL!!!

      No... my boss is wonderful. She treats me like a daughter and I love her and her family.

      Also, she pays me gas money and going to pick them up gives me a chance to get out of the office and relax a little.

  • a dozenglassroses
    September 7
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful job

  • notorious
    September 6
    Edit | Reply
    I will try to get this Spotlighted Phoenix.

  • Pure Thought silver member
    August 31

    Edit | Reply

    it's good you had to wait...

    This is great. I take vacation and you start writing. Let me know next time I 'll take one sooner. LOL

    Love it


  • Emerald Dog
    August 31

    Edit | Reply
    My! You really are mining a lucrative seam! Wonderful metaphor and well chosen words. There is little I can add to the excellent critique of phantasyintrigue below. It's so good to see you blooming again. L&P Kx


  • notorious
    August 29
    Edit | Reply

    Oh my God!!!

    I think this is one of your strongest poems ever since "Blindsided". I am totally bookmarking.

    Your metaphor seems to resonate throughout the entire poem...continuously. That's cool.

    "Time is water -
    elusive and thin"
    Okay, so I am loving "elusive & thin"--that definitely describes water & time. Wow, talk about a well-thought-out metaphor. I think that is brilliant--as an opening line, as a metaphor, as a piece of awesome poetry.

    "You cup your hands to collect
    as much as possible
    but it spills over and slips through the cracks
    between bony fingers
    and shining moments."
    'shining'-I don't always hate gerunds. I think this one is awesome for "shining moments"--YEAH!!!

    "Days rush by
    like river currents -
    flooded and swift,
    but utterly lacking direction -
    so easy to drift
    or get sucked under
    and surface far from where you started,
    or meant to be."
    I don't think you need a comma after 'started'. It feels over-punctuated, & if I read this out loud, I would say "from where you started or meant to be" in one breath.

    But that's just my pet peeve...I think that stanza is really poignant.

    "Still we insist on attempting
    to master the flow,
    unwilling to accept
    a lack of control
    or admit defeat."
    I think 'Still' could have its own line break to make it have even more poignant, possibly with a dash after or not...maybe?

    'attempting' & 'unwilling'
    For this piece, I think the gerunds are pretty freaking awesome.

    The whole "lack of control" & "admit defeat"...God, I hate to use the word 'poignant' again but it's true!!

    Water is uncontrollable, & so is time...

    Damn. This was really, really, REALLY good.

    I love that you're writing more frequently now!!

    Jessica


    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      August 30
      Edit | Reply
      Jessica,

      God your comments are like a freaking birthday present! I love it!!!

      I agree with your suggestions, as always.

      You know, if I ever decide to publish - I'm going to have you edit first. LOL.

      Yeah, my muse finally returned. Thanks.

      • notorious
        August 30
        Edit | Reply
        When is your birthday?

        • Auburn Sunrise gold member
          September 1
          Edit | Reply
          My birthday is September 30th actually

          • notorious
            September 1
            Edit | Reply
            Easy to remember. Birthdays on the 1st/30th/31st are the coolest.

            Mine's May 13th (is it unlucky? I'll leave it for you to think about ). If you forget it, I will be upset with you. Hehe

            • Auburn Sunrise gold member
              September 1
              Edit | Reply
              May 13 is not an unlucky day. I love any birthday on the 13th of a month.

              I was actually supposed to be born on the 25th, but was 5 days late.

              I'll try my best not to forget!

              • notorious
                September 1

                Edit | Reply
                Are you just saying you like birthdays on the 13th of a month? LoL, or do you genuinely like the number 13?

                I'm sure you won't forget May 13th is my birthday--I'd make you type lines saying "May 13th is Jessica's birthday".

                Okay, so I probably wouldn't have control over your fingers, but I'd try.

                • Auburn Sunrise gold member
                  September 1
                  Edit | Reply
                  I genuinely like the number 13, but especially for birthdays.

                  I'll try I forget my own sometimes.

                  • notorious
                    September 1
                    Edit | Reply
                    Well, I can remind you of your birthday if necessary.

  • PhantomsAngel87 Greeters member
    August 29

    Edit | Reply
    Brillant!
    I really love the truth in this
    Why do you have to pick up the boss's kids for o.O

    Anyway, FABULOUS poem!
    ♥
    Stay safe
    Love to you
    ~Manda


  • LadyUnique silver member
    August 29

    Edit | Reply
    this sure shows how some things can't be controlled, which is highly frustrating to a control freak those floods often deposit one back behind the starting line as they say "you can't control everything but you can control your reaction". it's true but still pisses me off sometimes

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