that empty house
uncut yard
filled bins
dead leaves
and no reason
to go out in public
i shouldn't worry
obtuse human behavior
on your part
is natural
get high one night
make love to strangers
remember little
or nothing
and repeat
it's a strange script
one i'd like to break
to hold you in my arms
like a baby you finally
cried
years are habit forming
of bad opinions
worse memories
forgotten love
even friends
i never said i'd be your nursemaid
or clean the mess you made
i offered love on a clean plate
with an open hand
what you do with it
is up to you
Be courteous but comments are nice :)
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I don't think I can fully comment how I want on this right now or explain the emotional mess this conjured but i guess that's a sign of great poetry. Well done C
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Just getting rid of my emotional messes of the past hun...
C
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Bluntely powerful!!!
Just loved the astuteness of this poem.
chez how the hell do you do it everytime babe.
Dolores xx
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Everybody makes the life they live. Only children think that someone else is to blame. Last time I looked no one expects them to be partners in marriage. Growing up is so hard to do. tra-la-la. Honest only feels like a right hook to those who want to live in the lie.
Love,
Tom B.
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Dude
this frickin' rocks honesty's fucking face off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That first stanza is so full of cohesive imagery that feels both disjunct & so connected...
I love the 'that' you use in the first line--it makes it feel like you're talking about UNO particular house...like one you lived in, maybe. "filled bins/of dead leaves" could be stronger, I think.
e.g. "dead leaves/filled bins"
That way, it makes the reader (or okay, me
LoL) wonder where the hell the dead leaves went, as opposed to being "shown" the bins first. You could also argue that showing the bins first instead of what's in them works...but, I think "dead leaves/filled bins" sounds better because you lose the 'of'.
"and no reason/to go out in public" is freaking awesome. Not to mention...more scathing than lemon juice squeezed onto scabs...
'obtuse'
What a cool, non-mathematical way to use this...love!
And yeah...that second stanza is another shot of caffeinated anger.
I fucking love it.
"or nothing/& repeat"
Honestly, this makes me think of "Lather, rinse, repeat..." LMAO. It works so well, and of course, it feels like a kiss-off to a HUGE dickwad.
"you would/finally cry"
Could this be==>you/finally cried
Which would get rid of the 'would'...
I dunno, just my personal preference...
Actually, is it? I just felt like bringing that option to mind. It's perfectly awesome the way it is now LoL.
"clean plate"
Strikes me as slightly cliched...like, the reversed version of "empty plate".
That ending--killah.
Of course.
Jessica
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Yup like your changes, the clean plate thing is my sarcasm lol he never washed a dish in his entire marriage to me LOL
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In that case, I like the clean plate thing...
My idea of washing dishes is to squirt Palmolive and let the bubbles float in the sink for someone else to fix them...LMAO.
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"i never said i'd be your nursemaid
or clean the mess you made..."
Great work, poet! Yes... many will relate!
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Surely something many can relate too.
Nicely writ.
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Yup all the lonely people bro where do they all come from?
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I dunno..
but you have got me singing the beatles now. heh -
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picks up the rice in a church where a wedding has been lalalala...
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