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Not the End Eternally

Missing image

Just hold me -

be happy and grateful

for all the time we've shared.

 

Think about the good days -

those little shining moments

when we found joy and excitement

in the simplest things.

 

Recall my child-like wonder

of colors, nature, small surprises, music

and Autumn's falling leaves.

 

Treasure my kindness,

laughter, smiles, kisses,

all the love that I gave

to everyone around me so freely.

 

I hope you listen to my favorite songs,

dance to them without a care

as you loudly sing along.

 

Don't avoid the places we loved

or give up the dreams we had,

the future I knew was yours -

keep reaching for those stars.

 

Forget my faults and please don't

remember the worst of me -

all those times I let you down.

 

Don't memorize me in sickness,

remember me in health, in beauty -

not the fragile, frail 

person I've become.

 

Don't deny yourself the pleasures in life,

please don't be afraid

to fall in love again or give it all your heart.

 

If you believe in fate -

I'll find you again someday,

in a different time and place -

separation isn't for an eternity.

 

Never have regrets,

lose hope & faith,

or be sad for me.

 

I'll be with you every second

of every single day,

watching over you -

and darling I believe

 

our love won't end with me.

Author notes

Very difficult to write. A mixture of sadness about a girl I went to high school with's death from cancer at age 23, the tragic death of my ex-boyfriend's best friend from alcohol poisoning at the age of 19, and my own fears that when I leave this world (however soon or far away that may be) people will remember the worst parts of me.

 

So this is a note to my husband, family and closest friends (who have all seen me at my worst, and quite a bit in the past year) - please remember the good I have in my heart and the better things I did and happy days we shared - not my depression, not my self-destruction, not my blind anger, or the thousands of times I've let you down selfishly.

Also inspired, in part, by a few songs:

Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park:

 

"When my times comes,

forget the wrong that I've done,

help me leave behind some

reasons to be missed.

 

Don't resent me

and when you're feeling empty,

keep me in your memory -

leave out all the rest

 

leave out all the rest."

 

 

Ugly Side by Blue October:

 

"I only want you to see

my favorite part of me -

and not my ugly side"

 

 

Like You by Evanescence:

 

"I believe our love can see us through in death"

 

 

In Memory of Erin Williams (1984 - 2007),

J.P. Keenan (1982 - 2002),

Kurt Cobain, Michael Hutchence, James Dean,

Marilyn Monroe, Sylvia Plath,

and all those candles who have burned so brightly -

but so quickly.

 

May we remember you at your best.

In a list

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Comments

1 - 34 of 34
  • RiotProof
    September 12

    Edit | Reply
    Such a beautiful poem... It encapsulates so much of what I felt when a person close to me took their own life. The imagery and wording was just perfect.


  • Tennessee-Joe
    September 8

    Edit | Reply
    "Just Hold Me" that says it all to me. There is just so much in touch. A good hug works wonders, I allways say.
    A very touching work. Love the honesty in it.
    Joe


  • CaliOkie silver member
    September 8

    Edit | Reply
    The Auburn Sunrise you will be to me always. You come as a complete person, both the good and the bad, just like the rest of us. I'm not entirely sure that it isn't the bad parts that make us strong and help to define the good parts. Without the bad parts, we would never be who we are -- and that would be a real loss.

    Excellent write. One of your best! One I will always remember you by.

    Garrison


  • Pure Thought silver member
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    Sad? Only if one considers the choice of not remebering with joy and love. You will always bring the Auburn Sunshine to my weary soul.

    Thank you Allie


    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      Weary soul???

      Aww... come on now! You're not weary yet!!! You're far too young for that!

      I'm glad you saw the positive side to this - it was meant to bring hope. But it made me cry as I wrote it and I figured it would make people cry when they read it. If it doesn't, I'm not as good as I think I am (or at least hope I am).

      You're welcome - you're one of those select "close friends" this is meant for. But you know that.

      • Pure Thought silver member
        September 7
        Edit | Reply
        Weary comes and goes. Just been too long since it went. No, age has nothing to do with it.

        Guys don't cry, our eyes jut sweat. You are as good as you think, death just does not strike me as sad.
        yes
        i am human, i do get sad over losing a loved one, but death and dying are not.

        I am ready when ever, but still plan to be 100 +

        • Auburn Sunrise gold member
          September 7
          Edit | Reply
          LOL!!!

          Too long since it went, huh?

          Funny, I often feel twice my age and very weary... but I'm kinda growing out of it. I practically had a breakdown at every birthday starting at 20... but this year, I'm excited. 24 doesn't seem so bad.

          I think it was because I was determined to die young (I had set my age limit at 28, then 30, then 32) ... I felt I was aging too quickly, rapidly approaching my final deadline, and didn't have nearly enough accomplished.

          I don't really feel that way anymore - though it is still difficult for me to envision life beyond 30, but I think that's typical for people my age.

          Of course you are human and get sad!

          Guys do cry!

          Actually, I dated a guy whose tear ducts had been damaged (not sure if he was born that way or something happened) and he was not able to cry. He couldn't produce tears - literally. It sucked for him.

          Death isn't really sad to me when it applies to me - only when someone else dies young, tragically, or painfully. It isn't the dead person I feel sad for (all though it is terrible, especially if it was a horrible death) - it's more the surviving loved ones I feel heartbroken for.

          So when I get think of dying, it isn't me I cry for - I could care less what happens to me - it's the pain I know my death would cause for John, my family (especially my dad), and my friends.

          Wow I'm talkative tonight. Sorry


          • Pure Thought silver member
            September 7
            Edit | Reply
            Too long since it went... backing up... weary comes and goes, it has come but hasn't went anywhere, LOL. Sorry

            Yes, Ma'am guys do cry, i just like the metaphorical excuse.

            Mmmmm, 24 is fantastic, I would probably hark back to 26 to 28 though.

            So you know I love to hear you 'talk'.
            OK BY ME!

          • notorious
            September 7

            Edit | Reply
            A guy w/o tear ducts??
            Yes, I'm read-dropping (LoL)...
            but that's insanely intriguing. How the hell does something that crazy happen?

            • Flare the Arcphoenix
              October 3
              Edit | Reply
              He may have meant from a sort of stoic perspective - or just that such signs of sadness are held (rather difficult sometimes, though) behind walls of manly pride and will. I, too, can relate to such things.
              Yes, I'm read-dropping, too. It's fun! Can you blame me!? XD
              I'm gonna come back and leave my own comment sometime this weekend, if I can. ^_^

  • PhantomsAngel87 Greeters member
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful Allie♥

    I skimmed this, read your Authors Notes, and the comments and then I came back up and read it through ... twice.

    I was drawn into the emotions first, then I read it again to see the imagery and as I reached the end all I could feel were tears softly flowing down my cheeks, even though you said do not cry

    Stanzas 8, 10, 11, 12 and that beautiful final line really stay with me, and I felt them more than I read them ... does that make sense?

    I have lost many in my life and alot at young ages to different things (cancer, heart attacks, suicide) and I've attempted suicide (common knowledge there really) and I could never explain how I felt when I awoke ... reading this I feel like I've found an answer. This is exactly the thing I would want read at my funeral (should I ever leave word to have one)

    I've babbled enough, I'm sorry hun I just want to say this is your finest piece of poetry and I will always remember your beautiful smile, heart and soul ... though forgive me but I will cry for you as the world will be down an Angel on Earth, but you'll be an Angel in Heaven

    ♥
    Stay safe
    Love to you
    ~Manda


    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      I just had a thought - do you have a will and a living will? If not, you should consider them so your wishes will be carried out.

      Not that I think death is close for you - but everyone should have both of those documents.

      For my living will, I have that I do not want to be kept on life support, I do not want to be kept alive in a comatose state, and most importantly if I am burned - please just let me die.

      For my will, I want all organs harvested and donated and the ones that can't be I want donated to science and medical research.

      I haven't figured out who I want to be my literary executor. I can't trust my work to my husband - he says he'll destroy it all if I die (especially if it is by suicide).

      Anyway, enough of those thoughts. LOL.

      If you want to keep this poem and use it for any purpose - you have my full permission.

    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      It does make sense - thank you. It was exactly the effect I would strive for (if any) in this poem.

      Truthfully, the entire write came to me as I first woke up this morning - and I quickly jotted it down, tears streaming down my cheeks as my husband slept peacefully beside me. I paused, ever so often, to watch him dream - and thought of all the things we've shared (good and bad), how much he worries that he will lose me to suicide.

      You haven't babbled at all. I really enjoyed your comment.

      I know you have suffered much in your young life and I am truly sorry for that. To me, you are the angel - I am only a human that watches you in wonder.

      I'm glad this was an answer for you. Waking up is tough. You are so confused, scared, angry, surprised and an overwhelming guilt consumes you. You want to disappear, to become a thread in the sheets you are wrapped in.

      Okay, now I've babbled too much. LOL.

      Thanks for your comment. People like you make writing poetry worthwhile.

      Much love to you as well, beautiful angel.

      Allie

  • thejollytinker gold member
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    That's some load of criticism to end with "discount." Are we at K-Mart? I'm probably pissing phantasy off- phat chance? You write like you want to- you made one spelling error which took nothing from the emotion, in my mind. Easily correctible. You had me from "just hold me," does it get any more visceral than that? I was actually looking for the poems you told me about, and I didn't understand the song. I'm an aural person (well, I like looking at pretty things, too.), when I boot it up and hear the music, I bet it will make more sense. I'm gonna read those two- I know you're damn well worth the time.


    • notorious
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      Nah, I get in trouble all the time for saying what I do, but it's not like I hate the poem--far from it.

    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you.

      I did try to keep it more simple in this one - no need to dress it up with fancy words. It truly comes from somewhere deep inside and was the most difficult poem to write out of everything I've penned.

      I don't care about criticism on this one - though I usually want it and listen to it carefully. I wrote this one for me, for my loved ones - and for everyone who has lost someone or is losing themself.

      Thanks.

      • notorious
        September 7
        Edit | Reply
        You are so open to honesty/constructive criticism that I could eat you, if you were a cupcake...

        Which you're not.

        • Auburn Sunrise gold member
          September 7
          Edit | Reply
          LOL... yum yum!!!

          Well does it count that I bake a lot of cupcakes???

          ~

          My husband says I must be made of sugar since all the bugs want to eat me!

          • notorious
            September 7
            Edit | Reply
            Ack, accidentally rated your comment with 4 stars...I will fix that.

            Baking cupcakes counts...
            ever baked lemon? My favorite... & then chocolate!!!!!!!

            Bed bugs..?

            • Auburn Sunrise gold member
              September 7
              Edit | Reply
              Yes, I have baked lemon cupcakes actually - I usually do lemon with strawberry icing - makes an interesting combo. My cupcakes are always very moist and delectable.

              No... not bed bugs. LOL.

              Mosquitos love me for some reason (South Carolina's state bird, should be North Carolina's too). Ants love to crawl on me.


              • notorious
                September 7
                Edit | Reply
                God, I LOVE lemon cupcakes...They're sweet AND sour...can you GET any better than that?
                Strawberry icing sounds rad.
                "moist & delectable"
                Yes. That's why cupcakes are so...awesome.

                I hate mosquitos...
                try white flower oil...
                It smells like hell (although some people like it) & well...it works. I have no idea how, but it does.

                Oh let's not talk about ants...urghs.

  • notorious
    September 7
    Edit | Reply
    I assume you're using Rich Text Editor for your AN. That has a tendency to make everything have a line of space in between every line...not sure if that's intentional. I know that's completely unrelated, but I thought I'd mention that.

    You use a LOT of 'ands' in this piece...
    "lose hope & faith,"
    In this particular line, you use &, as opposed to 'and', which you use before that line. I think you should be more careful/consistent with that...

    "colors,
    nature, small surprises, music"
    Could 'colors' be on the same line as the other things? Apart from that...I liked the imagery & memories you invoked in me with this.

    "and Autumn's falling leaves.
    Treasure my kindness,
    all the love that I gave
    to everyone around me so freely."
    This is probably more of a pet peeve of mine than anything wrong with this, so bear with me.

    If the line about 'autumn' has its own line break, why is it put on the same stanzas as "Treasure my kindness"? The line breaks there really glare at me. I think the "Treasure my kindness" stanza could be on its own...incidentally, seasons don't need to be capitalized, although if you wanted to emphasize that, I guess that makes sense.

    "Foget"==>should be 'forget'
    Just a typo.

    "Don't memorize me in sickness,"
    I LOVE this line!!! The way you use 'memorize' is insanely, incredibly unique...yeah, I love this. My favorite line, I think.
    And on an off-note...I wouldn't memorize you in sickness.

    "we'll find one another again someday,"
    I think you could afford to loose the 'one' in this line. "we'll find another again someday" has the same meaning (for me, maybe not for you, so you can discount this).

    "separation isn't for an eternity."
    Nice...the coolest use of 'eternity' ever, which is often used in such a cheeseball way LoL.

    That last line clinches all of this in nicely.

    I know this is a personal poem, so you can discount all the crap I just typed...LoL.

    Jessica



    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah I really hate that double spacing. In Word you can take it away - I haven't figured out how to do that here.

      I missed that typo, thanks for point it out.

      As for the line breaks - I was trying to keep it in an exact format, to make it easier to navigate. Alternating 3 lines stanzas with 4 line stanzas makes it not jumble up so much (as it is rather lengthy).

      I also love the suggestion of removing "one" - I toyed with trying to find another word there - but "another" seemed the only way to go. I will heed that advice.

      "Autumn" is capitalized on purpose - as it is, to me, personified - a living, breathing entity that gives me more joy than anything else I've experienced. Autumn gets me through sometimes, when I have nothing else to hold on to. The scent in the air, the gorgeous leaves, pumpkin pies, fairs... I could go on and on.

      I used the ampersand (&) on purpose between hope and faith, because it implies that two things are connected or irreversibly entwined. I believe (despite my agnosticism) that you must have hope to have faith and have faith to have hope. Not necessarily faith in God - just faith in something, be it love, a person, yourself, your dreams, the good of humans, or a higher power.

      There are a lot of "ands" in this poem, and I tried to remove them wherever I could as I was typing - but sometimes it is necessary to use them. I listed out a great amount of things. I don't feel any of the things I listed can be removed without taking away from the meaning of the poem (at least to me, as it is completely personal and I did write it for me and those closest to me).

      Thank you for your compliments - and your awesomely detailed comment and suggestions. As always, I appreciate your honesty.




      • notorious
        September 7
        Edit | Reply
        I just don't use Rich Text Editor (plus, I can't since I'm not a Gold member...damn! )

        Thanks for your explanations.. I love it when I can understand a poem better.
        & ampersands (never knew that it had its own special name, though I have heard of the word, so thanks).

        LoL...my honesty gets me in trouble.
        You're welcome It's always fun to read your stuff

        • Auburn Sunrise gold member
          September 7
          Edit | Reply
          You're welcome. Actually, I did go through (as I was making the necessary corrections) and removed some of the "and"s. I also rewrote those lines you were concerned about the line breaks on. See what you think if you get a chance, please?

          Honesty should never get you in trouble, I believe.

          My parents taught me that it was okay to make mistakes and do things wrong, as long as you were honest about it. I didn't get in trouble for being bad unless I lied about it or tried to hide it. If I walked in the door and said "Mom, Dad, I got in trouble today" or holding a pink slip, "Hey I just got a speeding ticket" - they said "okay, that's fine - we're proud of you for telling us."

          I love your honesty, your careful critiques, and your wonderful suggestions. You are very intelligent and insightful.

          So thank you!

          • notorious
            September 7
            Edit | Reply
            Yeah, I think it's even tighter than it was before.
            Your parents sound awesome...
            But...honesty is often what nobody wants to hear (or they think they want it, only to decide they liked the original lie better).

            Honesty usually gets me in trouble on AP... LMAO

  • ears2hearyou gold member
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    I was truly touched by this poem...
    I needed to hear this today...as a friend is passing
    boldly into heaven and we are thankful that his
    suffering will end, and missing him..at the same time
    kinda confuses the heart.

    I think he would sing this poem to us!
    thankyou for writing it and the courage it took
    to be so brave!

    ears/Seattle
    we adore you poetess!
    you are valued treasure.


    • Auburn Sunrise gold member
      September 7
      Edit | Reply
      I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Though the shock of losing someone suddenly is difficult, I think it is far more difficult to watch them dwindle slowly.

      Having the chance to say goodbye is wonderful, but witnessing the sunset itself is excruciating and burns your retinas.

      I think most people, when facing death, are oddly at peace. Having faced death several times in my life (sometimes by my own choice, other times not) I am not at all afraid of death or worried about it. I am completely at peace with it, as well as with the fact that my death may be (well there's a chance anyway) by my own hand.

      People at that stage, I think, only care about how their loved ones are affected and how they are remembered.

      Those are my only concerns (as long as my death does not involve fire or being burned in any way).

  • HereComesTheSun
    September 7

    Edit | Reply
    Don't avoid the places we loved
    or give up the dreams we had,
    the future I knew was yours -
    keep reaching for those stars.

    Foget my faults and please don't
    remember the worst of me -
    all those times I let you down.

    these lines stick very close to my heart, you see the boy i may actully love is so mad at me he says we will never be freinds again and has cut me out of his life, he says my chances are up and your writting just bring hope to my life that maybe he will try to stay postive with me,

    anyway the poem itself is a fabulous write i love how your wrote it, easly flows, tells stories, and keeps a great mood to it

    great job

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