More than one butterfly; less than love,
curry-scented prawns describes
unambiguous sense of self.
Our anguished outcry of doubt
non-denominational mysticism
dwells near human boundaries
For thou art the fabled whetstone
like a willful distortionist
love's promise - a wilted mirror.
Sentient lies are always simpler
and more seductive-thus
foiling the mandate of precaution.
My verbal facilities fail me
in a bedazzling, haiku-istic way,
chalking it up as a difficult art.
Shalt I unsparingly portray adoration
or my soul’s attenuated survival?
Attention’s shaken by the minaret's muezzin?
Both of us as beating drums,
cymbals of seeming possibilities;
tuned by the ivory keys of life.
Diminished-our capabilities
to express affection, anymore
than we can describe music?
And yet,
when all is said and considered,
I still think -
~ You’re damn adorable ~
Author notes
thoughts, simply thoughts
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Well done, really great job, John
-
Do I think you are crazy?...Hell yes...lol
Do I believe this to be crazy..no...smiles
I think you are just listening a bit clearer...perhaps..
Just maybe..
But of golden thoughts...well, they shine here..
Many blessings to you and your powerful pen.
~A~
-
"an unambiguous sense of self."
I like this a helluva lot more than the original version...but I think you could lose the 'an' there. It's an unneeded syllable.
"Haiku-istic"
Nice hyphen.
'haiku' REALLY doesn't merit a capitalization.
"diminished-our capabilities"
Since you use capitalizations at the beginning of every stanza, why isn't 'diminished' capitalized? It should be, to make it consistent.
"to express affection, anymore
than we can describe music??"
Did you intend to do 2 question marks?
Just wondering.
You can ignore all of this
Jessica -
I wonder where the inspiration for that first line was from...
ME, maybe? 
LoL
"curry-scented prawns" is interesting... I almost thought it was 'pawns' when I first read it.
& from hereon, you can discount my suggestions...but you asked me to read this.
"settled sense"
You could lose the 'settled' here--it feels like unnecessary alliteration.
Also...I think you use WAY too many commas in this piece.
"non-denominational mysticism,"<==I think you should lose the comma after 'mysticism'.
"dwelling near human boundaries"
'dwelling' could easily be changed to 'dwells', which sounds snappier & isn't a gerund.
"promising love as a wilted mirror."
I think this could be reworded to something similar to:
"love's promise--a wilted mirror."
"Lucid lies" I have a feeling I've heard similar alliteration to this. I think you could lose the alliteration, or change it something more unique.
So I noticed you're not capitalizing the beginning of every line...
"My verbal facilities fail me
In a bedazzling, Haikuistic way,"
The 'in' here shouldn't be capitalized since there isn't a period...You should use capitalizations more consistently.
'Haikuistic'
Hmm, that really doesn't need to be capitalized.
Also...you should use a hyphen.
==>haiku-istic
"Thinking of we"
To me, this sounds extremely awkward. Why not use "Thinking of us"?
I also think you use the word 'of' way too much in this poem...just count how many times you use it.
Tell me if you make any edits...
Jessica
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