Awake in our bed, beneath the sheets,
I'm enjoying the warmth of our bodies
As we dance hand in hand,
Entangled in a hopeless knot.
It's the only warmth I have,
The warmth of your heart
As it tries so desperately to ignite mine
And save it from endless winter.
Years of misuse clog my arteries with doubt
While cynical thoughts threaten to tear us apart.
I'm pushing away as hard as I can,
Entangled in a hopeless knot.
...but you hang on, wincing, but smiling
As you shake away the ice from my veins.
If there's anyone in this world, it's you
Who will save me from endless winter.
- Critical Reviewers One group list • next in list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This poem is a "one big metaphor"...to be honest. I like how you used the cold winter, inside one's self type concept. This is an overall amazing free verse; ...but i'm just wondering, you seam to be talking about positives in the first half then turn pesimistic the second half; you wrap up the poem beautifuly in the last stanza though. Maybe you could rewrite the 3rd stanza into past tense like this "years of misuse, clogged my arteries with doubt - while cynical thoughts threatened to tear us apart - i pushed away as hard as i could..."etc
Yeah, just a little suggestion. It'll make your poem stand out more.
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Wow, I thought this poem was such an interesting take on a problem that plagues so many relationships... And people. I thought it was well written and quite original. Have you considered revising it to contain a pattern of syllables in the lines? I liked the idea of the relationship between the last lines of the stanzas but felt like the second use of "entangled in a hopeless knot" seemed a bit awkward.
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I love this! This is truly wonderful. I appreciate a short, succinct piece so much when it captures such a truth without ever saying it. Wonderful imagery, my favorite part
"Awake in our bed, beneath the sheets,
I'm enjoying the warmth of our bodies
As we dance hand in hand,
Entangled in a hopeless knot."
I like how you used the tangled knot as positive expression and then as a suffocating statement. You moved through several emotions all within this short piece, very well done
I unfortunately do not have any ideas of how you may improve this. Nice write
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wow a brilliant piece with so much emotion conveyed i love the wall p[aper you have picked as it symbolises the warmth you have gained from love. so beautifully written, well done.
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... (".)!!!!!!
Lascivious, sad and longing for the warmth that was once shared in your bed. I instantly made a connection with your words, thoughts and feelings. You built your poem on a solid structure, I can tell you gave it a lot of thought and put a lot of heart writing this piece; through your words I felt warm when you did (in your first stanza) I stayed warm and aroused with sensational feelings and thoughts until I reached the 3rd stanza where my heart almost stopped. I felt threatened and cold just remembering that warmth I possessed one day with the person I genuinely loved and cared for.
Oh god am in love with this poem.
Critically speaking… your free verse flows voluptuously, the imagery you used in your 3rd and 4rth stanza is heart wrenching, it made my heart ache! The hope and passion you expressed in your last stanza, is sincerely beautiful
Thank you for an exceptional write!
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