Rain drops are falling down for you,
As if the whole world tastes your loss.
Only cold winds are blowing now,
Though it's not the season for frost.
You warmed the hearts of those at church.
Children always rushed to greet you.
You were always there when needed...
With love clear like rain to see through.
Rain drops as the gifts you showered...
Upon the friends you have known.
Laughter that made us family,
You treated my sons like your own.
Your life shined like a precious jewel.
I never thought I would say goodbye...
So quickly to such a good friend.
Your smile refreshed those who were dry.
Rain drops as tears of your mourning.
Rain drops and roses, soft and sweet...
Like your spirit, drifting away.
Rose petals falling at our feet,
You still inspire in your memory.
Trying to understand my best...
While in Heaven you are at peace.
Today, is the day of your rest.
~Christy King~
Author notes
Can you tell me any suggestions you might change with my new poem. It's going to be read at my friend's funeral..so, I only have until tonight to fix it up and I don't want it to sound strange. Please let me know...any of it sounds weird, confusing, ect.? Would you change it to make full sentences or more rhyme?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I'm sorry, I just saw your note so it's too late but I'm sure it came out wonderful and heartfelt, I am sorry for your loss.
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Honestly, this is very touching (to me) as it is. It seems to have an almost 'afterthought' pausing built in it. It is put together nicely and has deep, deep sentiment. It doesn't sound weird, strange or confusing to me - in fact, it is a powerful piece to contemplate... Thank you for sharing this.
AsIThink...
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I think that even if we could change it I would not. It is from you for one you obviously cared for and cherished and it is perfect as it is from you.
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So sorry for your loss. I think to be honest that it is just the right length not too short or too long.I don't see any problem with it and i think her friends relatives etc will find it a very fitting tribute for your friend and I ams ure she would be chuffed well done with this
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Prof. Mes/Rectifies/Yer Vers
It rains for you: see falling special drops
As if the whole world is lamenting for your loss.
"Only cold winds are blowing now,
Though it's not the season for frost."
A chill on a late summer day bound to be hot...
Untimely yet so much inappropriate.
Life is - even if not too much- quiet.
"Solemn air lingers 'til sunset."
. Rewarded 6
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The first two lines are definitely my favorite: wonderfully worded and a very powerful opening. "As if the whole world tastes your loss." Wow. That's just darn good poetry.
These kinds of poems are always difficult to critique since they're an expression of so deep and personal a loss, just my little disclaimer. That said, I liked the light rhyming throughout, not too forced or ever rigid, nice job. The ellipses were slightly distracting to me, but the poem had a nice even flow otherwise. All in all a strong write.
Thanks for sharing this piece and my condolences.
Write/Rock/Love/Live On, Sim. =) -
Oh my friend
I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a very touching tribute to her memory. I pray you get thru this pain
and see happier days soon.
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So much emotion
Channeled so well, to lose someone is indescribable but so much fills your head. -
a tear jerker.
it's really such a loss when a loved one sleeps eternally...
but somehow, in such a moment of sorrow, you manage to write a masterpiece and I bet all the people who would read this would love it.
There are a lot of things that we should experience but it doesn't mean that we have to stop on walking till the end...
I have a Bible verse that if ever, i would like you to read...
Rev. 21:3,4 and John 5:28,29
I hope those would lift up your spirit...
God bless!!!
and keep on writing!!!
. Rewarded 8
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