the streets sagged
with despair
where souls melted
like slow rain.
strum of a
lonely guitar
echoed through alleys,
hardly more than
a whisper to the living,
but the souls rose up
to hear their anthem:
melancholy sorrow
filled with patience
as they hovered
at the brink of darkness
before collapsing
with only faith
to guide them.
Author notes
A contest entry
- God Enters Through The Wound by Kitten Slammer.
2600 points, ended September 16, 13 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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"melanchology sorrow" - maybe sort of redundant?
this was well written. i like "the streets sagged" - a strong opening line with great use of alliteration.
overall this was awesome, but i really like what you did with the first half most.
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God forbid I get a crappy entry huh?? Sometimes I wish I believed in him, just so I had someone to blame.
This was very mellow, aptly titled hmm. That first stanza flattened me, only to send me flowing rather pleasantly down through the rest of the poem. I'm more than a little impressed
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So sorry for not commenting sooner, Cassidy--I didn't notice this was up.
Luckily, it's basically perfect, so I don't have anything really beneficial to say.
The only thing that I notice is (this is lame) that the word "while" sticks out at me for some reason in line 14...maybe "as they hovered" or "hovering" would work? If you don't think so, then definitely ignore ne.
This is brilliant.
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this one is really good ... it has a tone that is perfectly integrated throughout ... i like your images, the way just sort of slide there and glow in darkness that suddenly has meaning ...
nice ... i don't have enough points to give you applause so I will give your my threeturtlesealofexcellence
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you know something about "the brink of darkness" and the infinite spirit that cannot be learned. i rise up for that anthem!
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I have no suggestions for improvement...this is a beautiful piece
Nijole
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'the streets sagged
with despair'
brilliant personification, imagery, AND use of 'the' it did NOT read as unnecessary.
'where souls melted
like slow rain.'
Gorgeous. Time applied to rain.
'the strum of a
lonely guitar'
in this case I would remove 'the' as starting with 'strum' would give us more of a jolt into this stanza. This stanza is softly beautiful.
'melancholy sorrow'
redundant, but pretty.
'at the brink of darkness
before collapsing'
I love this!
'with only faith
to guide them.'
This poem is all that makes melancholy beautiful. Wonderful work!
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