Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

The Cavity Within

Missing image

Within each house lies a cavity hells gate within,

it is the very thresh hold of sin.
A place where sin and hate  and roots do form ,
it engulfs the home where dreams are torn.

The tenants were old and one day they passed,
no one found their bodies the house so masked .
It enhaled their souls and built upon the dark,
it's the way the devil so takes part.

Their home one day went up for sale you know,  
bought by the city for the taxes owed.
Months passed before a family drew near,
and the ones within the cavity sneared .

Once within the home this family jummped with joy,
a Mom and a Dad and a handsome little boy.
They moved their items in and never did they see,
how at night there was such a vacume from hells cavity.

Little Danny was playing  in the playroom

when it showed itself that day,
It came up from the floor and engulfed his head they say.
When the boy stopped fighting and lay limp

leaving his skin as white as snow, 
The boy was sucked of every drop

of life from hells thrown.

The parents found his limp body

and screamed as the sorrow took hold,
The Father cried and he screamed

where did my little man go?
After the funeral as they entered

back home that day,
they heard many noises

and within the walls the ghosts at play.

They froze within the house

so afraid of what was to be,
When a voice with the smell of death

replied you will never leave .
The lady turned quickly and as she ran to the door,
it was as if there were a thousand hands

reaching up at her through the floor.

Her husband turned slowely to help her get free

as fear shot from her eyes,

He screamed let her go and then he noticed

in the house it became black as night.
Before his face there came a child

and he lost his breath,
For it was his little Danny

and he whispered you aint seen nothing yet.

Madness crept across their faces

and screams were never heard,
The house opened like a cavity

with demons all in a whirl.
They fed upon the couple

and blood sprayed all about,
Even blood was running

from the door and windows now.

The roots outside they began to feed

and so they grew,
It had surpassed the house

now coming after you.
For the gate of hell was opened

the day the house was built ,
Upon an old burial ground

there way up on the hill .

Author notes

storiesuntold Boo beware of those empty houses for they hold years of sin and greed and one day they will enter back into this world to feed
Food for thought as you take the key will it be for the house where the cavity of hell will be set free

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • smonte19124 silver member
    October 22
    Edit | Reply
    My goodness that one really scared me. It was fantastic on the edge of my seat the whole time. the imagery and the picture I could even hear the spooky music in my head while I read. Great Job deserving of the Gold but congratulations for the HM . You should have won. God Bless, Jo-Ann


  • AsIThink gold member
    October 19
    Edit | Reply
    This was terribly spooky. I couldn't definately get the imagery here. Ordinarily, I don't do 'horror' and 'darkness' stuff (haha) but I had no idea what this was about...very intense (had me looking over my shoulder you know). Those vacant houses always seem to hold something kind of spooky. Outside of scaring me (haha), this was a rivoting story that held my attention.

    AsIThink...


  • Note The Sarcasm
    September 21

    Edit | Reply
    This was really cool! But in the fourth stanza, you say "how at night there was such a vacume from hells cavity". 'vacume' is spelt vacuum. Otherwise, great write!

  • Janenroses
    September 20

    Edit | Reply

    Good job!

    I like the way you used the picture from the contest, the title is well chosen, it adds suspense to the reader. I like the first stanza, a strong beginning, liked the part about hell and sin and darkness, adds thrill to the suspense. The first three stanzas are very well written, I enjoyed reading them, and then the story you tell is interesting at first, then it becomes too long, not boring, interesting, still too long, and length sometimes makes the charm decrease. The last stanza is good, the message was here, it's meant to scare, for me the way your poem worked was, strong weak strong, and I would preferred strong stranger strongest. Good job, really I like the story and every thing, I like the imagery, the idea of the poem, well done and good luck. Best wishes, Jane.


  • Hikari Lady
    September 20

    Edit | Reply
    Wow!! creepy but so enjoyable. Some lines were longer than the rest and made the reading a bit unstable but the subject and discrebtion were great.

  • Bob Fox
    September 20

    Edit | Reply

    Hey there

    Who is this? Steven King? But my a nice darl piec you have penned here filled with scary scenesthat makes the readers mind wander into it's darkness. Oh yes.


  • georgie
    September 20

    Edit | Reply
    wow!! a few typos but the point was definitely put across and it so fitted the picture. u r truly talented hon and i wish u all the luck in the world in this contest... i think this tis well deserved of a trophy.
    hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx
  • deathbycrimson
    September 20

    Edit | Reply
    well, i enjoyed this thoroughly... my only iffy thing is that a few of the lines dont really make sense, i assume because you had to make them fit the rhyme scheme, but still, i prefer an iffy rhyme scheme to iffy understandability as it were... brilliant idea, reminded me a lot of steven kings rose red, the amityville horror, and other such brilliantly bloody little stories... some exquisite desciptive language, chuck a chorus in there and it could be a cradle of filth or necrophagist song, so all in all VERY well done, six and a half stars

    . Rewarded 8


  • Kevin gold member
    September 20
    Edit | Reply
    hmm, seems like an extra space at "hate and
    roots do form". Again after "so masked".

    Nice spooky write! A bit early for halloween, but it's coming!

    A bit wordy throught he middle "for it was his little", etc. These liens get so much longer than the others... That said, I can't think of an obvious way to shorten it...

  • Cannonsfire gold member
    September 19
    Edit | Reply
    Oooh this made the chills run up my spine, I love story poems and this one is very well told! C

1 - 10 of 10