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When my heart died

 

i.


from these lips torn:
the wind,
your name upon its breath


where was I,
engulfed
in this lonely shell of light,
this glimmer?


doused flame - smoke,
memory danced
so fleeting...



ii.


we loved,
so many whimpers wrapped
in the tongue of carnal
sheets : hours
slipped like silk -
away from our brazen thighs


and you held me
pressed against this hourglass;
the enemy


oh, morn



iii.


silence rustled,
tense
across my skin


rolled -
look


I held the wrinkles
of your imprint
in the palms of my
hands



iv.


hands
held these wrinkles,
and silver
hair fell


a shroud:


black -


how black
was this



procession?







In a list

A contest entry

Critical Review Desired

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 32 of 32

  • poetryality silver member
    November 3

    Edit | Reply
    I love the abstract feel of your poetry. I read this poem three times. Each read revealed something new, surreal…

    "we loved,
    so many whimpers wrapped
    in the tongue of carnal
    sheets"


    Very skillfully written lines written in that section poet. This is quite the original work of writing. Thank you for this entry and I wish you well in the challenge.



    Much Love & Respect ♥

    Renee

  • WolfHeart gold member
    October 21

    Edit | Reply
    Very stirring and passionate. Truly a love tale most sweetly told. Very good work here. Best of luck in the contest!


  • luna-midnight gold member
    October 13

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is abs amazing, where are all the gold trophies, you must have hide them,lol. wonderful poem, ad keep writting
    Stephanie ♥


  • balenciaga
    October 8
    Edit | Reply
    lovethis.


  • jcat gold member
    October 7

    Edit | Reply
    So many emotions and thoughts racked me as I read this... What an incredible piece you have penned and so very worthy of the spotlight!!! WOW...is all I can say!!!

  • gypsyjo
    October 4

    Edit | Reply
    This is Beautiful!!! "hours slipped like silk" Great description of how stealthily time passes almost unnoticed until its gone. I loved the imagery. Great write!!!


  • januaryrain
    October 3

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, so beautiful, yet I can feel the pain in this wonderful write, Excellent job, I love this poem.

  • IrishGypsyRose silver member
    October 3

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    Wow, this absolutely amazing!!! Great choice of title as well. I love the "where was I" great reflection. I enjoyed this read immensely. Kudos on the spotlight. You earned it. mandie

  • wwo this is amazing I love waht you have dopne with it the title is fantastic too, I can't criticise this piece it's just perfect


  • notorious
    October 3

    Edit | Reply

    Groovy...LMAO

    Have you written "oh morn" before? It reads off very familiarly for me...

    I can totally get why this got Spotlighted--kudos. !

    I love the "where was I"--like self-reflection you don't really understand... Just my weird ass interpretation, LoL.

    I love the utter lack of capitalizations, by the way. It just looks better and totally fits the piece.

    Obviously, I'm not a fan of this genre...
    but yeah, you have some kick-ass diction, like 'hourglass' and 'procession'.

    Por cierto...I think you find a way to make black even trendier than before in this poem.

    I hate the phrase "[insert color] is the new black."

    Black is never new.
    It's never old.
    Black is just plain kick-ass, and if somebody looks bad in black, well...I'm concerned. LoL...so yes, you have found a way to make a great clothing shade oh-so-nifty here.


    Jessica!

  • LadyUnique silver member
    October 2

    Edit | Reply
    i saw sadness and joy shared over time until death stole one person away. i admire how you've used so few words to span years. my interpretation anyway
    this deserves the spotlight

  • congrats on spotlight

  • FaeryMouse silver member
    October 2
    Edit | Reply
    That was very beautiful...loved the flow

  • dreamywitch16
    October 2
    Edit | Reply

    gasp!!

    it was beautiful.very intense.

  • =]

    LOVELY WRITE POET!!!!!!!
    immensely well- worded.....
    ~hugs~
    ~Anagha~
  • This is very beautiful!!! You did a very excellent job with this write!! I have to say you are a very fabulous writer!! I have loved your two poems that I have read so far!!! This is Incredible and amazing!! You did an outstanding job!! I love it!!

  • Symphony
    October 2

    Edit | Reply
    ah, as soon as i read the first few lines, i realised i'd read this before still as beautiful as it was then though

  • Eclecta
    September 27
    Edit | Reply
    Very beautiful... Best of luck in the contest.

  • tara wilson gold member
    September 27

    Edit | Reply
    this is so powerful - I esp. love vignette iii.
    i feel a love growing 'old' in this poem until the heart completely dies...my interpretation...


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    September 25

    Edit | Reply
    Another stunner!! This is a superb write.. I felt the emotion flowing from it in a gentle, yet deep way!

    You're brilliant!!


  • Paloszoo gold member
    September 25

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful!

    Wow, this was simply lovely. Compelling from start to finish. I loved the form and the words flowed like silk from your pen. Good luck in the contests. It's a winner!

  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    September 25

    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed your word choice and the layout, it has a sadness to it, but the true meaning you would have to explain to me.

    All the best in the contest

    Sue

    . Rewarded 4


  • WildlifeDoc silver member
    September 25
    Edit | Reply
    Very sad, lots of emotion. Reminds me of forbidden love. Good luck in the contest!


  • Walls-within
    September 25
    Edit | Reply
    Wow...this is really sad! I really enjoyed this poem, good luck in your contest!!
  • Many Sparrows
    September 25
    Edit | Reply

    Interesting.

    I like the spacing for effect. I don't know what the contest is about but I wish you the best.

  • Symphony
    September 25
    Edit | Reply
    this was beautiful to read - almost like a movie script or something, and i was all the time concious of a quiet 'rustling' feeling around the poem, like papers blowing in a breeze on a desk ; i am not sure why, it's just what i got while reading it. enjoyed the read - thanks for sharing it with us

  • Never Fall in Love gold member
    September 25

    Edit | Reply
    I don't know what that below means ... but when I don't write anything in the comment - I either already told you what I think on msn or i'm too amazed to type ... like right now.


  • notorious
    September 25
    Edit | Reply
    .


  • afroqban
    September 24
    Edit | Reply
    Just a wonderful write altogether. It was a pleasure to read something so different. well done


  • Mourning Death
    September 24

    Edit | Reply
    O.ops, I didn't mean to do that. Alright, this is absolutely amazing as far as I'm concerned. The story told was so vivid, so real. The words used to tell the story were so beautifully put together. Amazing!


  • Mourning Death
    September 24
    Edit | Reply

    Wow.

1 - 32 of 32