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Sacrificial Lamb

Many pundits conclude,

spreading corruption,

verdicts were already made.

 

Losing a husband,

going to a "damned war",

 

Slight reprieve was

made conflicted ,when post-

traumatic disorder snaps in.

 

Command his soldiers onto

a battle where chaos laughed,

retreating. Heading into a

lion’s camp, his oppressor

 

Skillful tacticians,

 

Bombs, goes off,

five bodies distroyed.

 

Limbs hanging loose,

worse than a horror movie,

we were already dying.

 

Days stand as disarray slipped in.

"A weapon is a serious thing"

Mind slips into yesterday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

POM

Theme: Post-traumatic Disorder

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • LadyDementia gold member
    October 3

    Edit | Reply
    This is quite the hard hitting write. Some very powerful areas. The them itself I have seen before but the way you have penned it is new to me, you have twisted it and really made it your own. I think your title is very fitting for your write, I would certainly click on it to read. The imagery is intense, and quite raw in places. As far as errors go my co judges have covered everything I think. So I won't repeat it to you. A well penned piece, one that I think will stay with me for a while.
    Scores will be sent to your host at end of judging.
    Good luck
    • kendhal22 gold member
      October 3

      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      Thank you for the comments to my poem. Most of this poem was based on my cousin when he went to Vietnam. It is a recolation of thoughts given in the raw manor. Post-truamatic disorder are usually thoughts given at the moment when something happens in the moment now. These are thoughts vivid like a slide show. My cusin had to pull five men out a helicopter and live on the land not to get shot, but to survive the traps and the wild life. The mileria sets in from the mosquitos coming from the rice fields. Kendhal22

  • trista gold member
    October 3

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there, and welcome to the POM!

    If you’re looking to improve your writing, (which it looks to me you are) I’m happy you’ve chosen the PO as a place to get honest feedback that (we hope!) will help you. Just remember...the critiques and scores are a measure of the poem you’ve entered, (and only as “we“ see it) but not of your talents in general...which I suspect are many.

    The biggest distraction, for me, in reading your poem was the multiple changes in tenses...and yet I can easily see why it would have been difficult to keep them consistent. I’ve pondered this poem longer than any thus far in the POM, and think I have a pretty good idea of what you wanted to convey...but I also think it’s possible to do so in a clearer way at times...

    “Many pundits conclude,
    spreading corruption,
    verdicts were already made.”
    What about something like...
    “Many pundits conclude:
    Steeped in corruption,
    verdicts came (or maybe “arrived”?) predetermined.”

    My co-judge has given some good suggestions for S3. If this is a continuation from S2 (which I would guess since S2 ended with a comma) “Slight” should not be capped. Also, “snapped” would keep tenses the same, I believe. (My guess is you wanted this in past tense.)

    If I’m correct on that, “Command” would be “Commanded”, but I agree “onto” should be “into”. The last line of that stanza confused me a bit. “his oppressor”...what? Were his oppressor(S) “skilled tacticians”? Some people don’t like parenthesis in a poem; I do in certain circumstances and think this is one. So...my suggestion if I’m interpreting correctly would be (although commas could be used rather than the parenthesis) ...

    “Commanded his soldiers into
    a battle where chaos laughed,
    retreating. Headed into a
    lion’s camp, his oppressors
    (skillful tacticians)
    introduced nightmares:

    “Bombs (go) off,
    five bodies distroyed (destroyed).
    Limbs hanging (hang) loose,
    worse than a horror movie,
    we were already dying.”
    Maybe it’s just me, but who is “we” in this last line? MO only, but I don’t think that line is necessary. Also, we’ve changed tenses here to reflect this being the “nightmare”. If you replace the colon after “nightmares” with a period, I think you’d want to keep this and the remaining stanzas in past tense instead, to be consistent with the rest.

    I think you need to make a decision in the last stanza if you want to use past tense like in the beginning of the poem, or continue with present tense. Sometimes switches in tense can add emphasis toward the end of a poem, but since we‘ve done one already, it’ll be more noticeable and readers might be confused. Either way is fine IMO, it’s just a matter of which you’d like better. Also, unless done for emphasis, try not to repeat words or phrases... ”slipped in” and “slips into” for example, are essentially the same, (and similar to “snapped in“ from S3). So...

    “Days stood still as disarray entered. [or overwhelmed?]
    (A weapon is a serious thing.) [I have mixed feelings about this line, as to if it really fits...]
    Mind slipped into yesterday...” [I like the use of ellipsis here, but that’s me. )
    Or my preference:
    “Days stand still as disarray enters;
    his mind slips into yesterday...” (“his” being optional, but I think it ties back to the husband mentioned in S2

    Those are my thoughts/ideas on the poem for whatever they're worth, (rather extensive I admit ) some different than my co-judges, but that gives you more ideas to work with should you want to revise. Oh - and don’t be afraid to add some details (imagery) “showing” post-traumatic stress disorder. This poem has a good foundation. The longer I poured over it, the more I thoroughly enjoyed it.

    I hope you’ll join us again soon in another PO contest...and maybe consider joining the PO group? My scores will be in contest final notes...and remember, no editing once a judge has commented, until trophies have been handed out.

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.
    • kendhal22 gold member
      October 3
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      Thank you for the comments given and the advice to make this better. I will take what you have given me in this critique and improve when all of the scores are in and the contest is officialy over. Kendhal22
  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    September 29

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there and welcome to POM as a first timer I do think that this is rather good you bought a theme that is written about a lot but still you did well with it my score will appear at the end of the contest best wishes
    • kendhal22 gold member
      September 29
      Edit | Reply

      Thank u

      Thank you for the wonderful comments given to my poem. I realize it could use some more work to make it better. I will try to take your advise and improve the lines. I know I need to take a class on my puncuations. Maybe next time I come to the contest I will have improve. And this is contest is about to improve writings before you tempt to get publish. Kendhal22

  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    September 28

    Edit | Reply
    This could be a powerful poem. It's marred, however, by multiple punctuation and grammar errors which make it difficult to understand fully. It also is disjointed, such as:

    "Many pundits conclude, (conclude what?)
    spreading corruption,
    verdicts were already made." "were made" is a weak verb

    The above is too cryptic for me to derive meaning from.

    "Slight reprieve was
    made conflicted ,when post-
    traumatic disorder snaps in."

    "was made" not needed, extra space after conflicted, change of tense from past to present, tells, doesn't show "post-traumatic (stress) disorder", which is also broken into 2 lines.

    "Command his soldiers onto" should be "Commands" and "into"
    "Bombs, goes off," should be "Bombs go off,"

    "a battle where chaos laughed" GREAT LINE - This says Iraq war. Maybe change "battle" to "war".

    The above are examples.

    I think you have some work to do to make this poem great. The feeling is there, it just needs to be pulled together with more meaningful details added.

    Score will be posted at end of contest.




    • kendhal22 gold member
      September 29
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      Thank you for the comments and take what advise and change some of the lines after the contest. First time coming to this contest. Guess I have my work cut out for me. Kendhal22
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