It finds me,
When I’m alone,
Seeking my soul,
When my hope is gone;
When I wheeze
And choke
In an open breeze;
When I lie awake
With an ocean of thoughts,
This battle of my own make.
I try so hard to hide this thing,
This curling snake,
This choking hell,
I feel it take
My breath away.
It wraps itself around me,
Extracting its deathly pay
And now it’s here to stay.
I fight this thing,
I strike it hard,
I shrug it off,
My mind a ward,
I won’t let it in,
Not this pain,
This battle within…
I cannot win.
It finds me now…
That I’m alone;
It finds me now,
As my heart turns to stone;
My guts squeeze
And tighten
And won’t let me breathe;
But I fight anyway,
Though the tide is fading,
And my love is slain.
Fear, the coming pain.
Author notes
I wrote for a poetry project in my CURRENT Creative Writing class (not to be confused with the former class at UA
.
Fear was my theme and I chose it because I have feared losing my girl-friend and fiance lately. Being that she is currently in Washington State and I am still in Alabama, and that she does not want to return to this state, you begin to see the reason for my angst.
Not only did I write it to get my emotions out, but I also wrote it to accurately and vividly describe the feeling that flows over me when dread and fear grip me. Therefore, I would like any critical commentary on this poem. Do you think I could have done something different? Do I pervey the emotion of fear well?
Comment at will, but please keep it loosely related to the topic.
Also: I'm looking for ideas for an original poem, this is simply a personal project and not a part of any contest. Feel free to offer suggestions on this as well.
What do you fear to lose most?
Comments
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One of your better ones, I'd say. The portrayal of fear is very good.
"I try so hard to hide this thing,
This curling snake,
This choking hell,
I feel it take
My breath away.
It wraps itself around me,
Extracting its deathly pay
And now it’s here to stay."
That is the highlight stanza for me, and I'd say that "this curling snake, this choking hell" is perhaps your best descriptive language in poem that I've read.
My only real criticism is one I could make of your poetry in general, that the rhyming is often a bit simplistic and predictable. That's something that usually just takes practice to improve, so just put thought into that aspect in your works, and it will most certainly be better in that regard. I think I was writing poetry for probably 3 years before I would have admitted myself freedom from the same criticism.
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i love it!!!
butiful poem i love the raw emotions i feel wile reading this!!!
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