Try and see truth,
Past the deceitful liar.
Seek the need,
Beware the desire.
Wings ablaze,
Hearts on fire.
Hear the Angel's cry,
While people run and hide.
Ground stained red,
Littered with the dead.
Angel tears bleed,
For those in Need.
Sky black as night,
Feel the Devil's might.
Crushing, smothering, bleeding,
Hope is the only thing left in believing.
Light will spread its wings,
Angel's hearts will sing.
Banishing the dark forever more,
Casting out the Devil's evil hoard.
Grief, pain, and tears of sorrow,
For those who will never see another tomorrow.
The pain will ease,
The tears will cease.
Hope is our cure,
To cast out the impure,
To end the pain,
To be rid of our invisible chains.
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Art
this is just an opinion , basically what works for me, so dont take it as anything but.
the problem i have with this piece is that the syllable count is interupting the flow, heres what i mean
Original stanza.
Try and see truth, 4
Past the deceitful liar. 7
Seek the need, 3
Beware the desire 5
so the numbers are your syllable count and as you can see you have 1 even number and 3 odd numbers
for me i have founf that keeping your syllables to Even numbers rounds off everything nicely, or stick with odd numbers and make sure that you end up with an even number in total
Rewrite of first stanza
Try and see the truth, 5
look Past the stealthy liar. 7
Ferret out the need, 5
Be Cautious of desire 7
This is just an example, and is not meant to do anything except to show you how a tighter syllable count helps something flow a little better, as you can see the syllables work on an odd number in these 4 lines.
i hope this makes sense and you can see what i was talking about, the only reason i point this out is because i think its such a shame when poetry with this kind of potential is interrupted because the reader cant be carried along , this however is just my opinion, i am a stickler for things flowing.
Michael
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eh it was very, In your face tragic, cliche emo in a way, which immediately turned me off from it. It had a nice rhythm to it though, and a few good images, but overall the whol overly dramatic theme, of "tears", "sorrow" and "pain" really spoiled it for me, but with most poetry like this i assume it's the writers intention to pour their bleeding heart out onto the pag,e unfortunately with that, they end up pouring all the blood they have as well, making for quite a mess, but that's just my old stickler opinion
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I love it
it cries out with almost a yearning to want to make people listen
very cool -like a warning and a desperate plea
love the flow
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Wow, great write. It's deep. :3 And I'm kinda at a loss for words. Lol.
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wow
this is deep and i like this
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Very good poem, i just dont know what to say.
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lol thank you. The fact that you took the time to say something is enough!
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Definitely a good write, very dark. The pain through out it all is amazing, I can definitely feel it, though Im suremost people would. I can feel tears and clenching fists. But like Alyzeh said, nothing lasts forever, pain is momentary. Hope always for something better
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Thank you so much. That's exactly what I was trying to go for!
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Wow. The poem speaks for itself. It was so dark and full of emotions. I loved the ending, how it gives one the confidence to believe in himself/herself and that everything will be alright because nothing lasts forever, not even the pain, it all fades away with time..hope is what we should always hold on to!
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing this with me.
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It was my pleasure to have you read it and reply so accurately to what I wanted
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