trees turn red and gold
colours march slowly southward
nature undresses
A contest entry
- Anniversary Haiku Quickie by carole21.
700 points, ended October 6, 9 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Oh yeah. I think a better verb than march, which has martial connotation. Maybe ... slip? for the alliteration? foreshadows undressing, too.
Oh. and thenk que vewwey much for my steam work trophy! -
Only you could think of the line-'nature undresses'
I am not a fan of this kind of form but I enjoyed reading this offering,well done the HM.
Bumpy xxx
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nicely done . . thanks for the contest entry
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Big sister is going to get picky: southward - it happens sooner up here... and don't mention the name of a season in a seasonal haiku! Get it? Got it? Good!
OK, once I stop being pedantic, this is a not bad little poem, not bad at all.
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DUH!!!
The obvious brainstorm removed, I have also changed the last line, wadda-ya-fink?
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Well, good edit, BUT... if I am going to be pedantic again, a haiku is nature-based, so the word "nature" is also suspect. This would work:
trees turn red and gold
colours march slowly southward -
the year undresses
because it would give a sense of noticing that time has passed in a moment, and a hint of regret/wonder/whatever. See?
BUT - a bigger but - if YOU are happy with it, then it stands!
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I thought you had worked out by now, I am NEVER happy with a poem I write!
I have three or for I think are OK-ish, the year doesn't work for me, how about
my world undresses
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Don't make it too personal - it is the reader's world too, and that has to be communicated. You realise that the more we do this, the more un-haiku we are making the process. Better than cudgelling your brains would be to let the process lie fallow for a while, and edit when you're good and ready.
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I am with Linus Pauling not with the haiku mob.
To paraphrase
An epic ballad I can give you now
You can have a sonnet tomorrow
A haiku will take me at least a week. -
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Clever bastard, that Pauling.
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I enjoyed
your last line - a nice surprise. In my mind I can see the change of color as it 'marches' across the face of the earth - like the shadow of a cloud when floating the earth's surface. Your poem not only has movement, but lifts the mind in thought. Hope you do well in the contest. Frans
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This is sweet Jeff as always with form you nail it.
Great job and best wishes
Love you
Tory
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Oh honey this was fantastic.
Love the new pic too. Wonder if Ms. Passions will.
Love you bunches
Candace
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You love no one but y ourself.
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Love the "aha" image... what a creative take... Well done and best of luck...
Ken
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I love the last line, that is very clever. Great haiku, best of luck in the contest.
♥
whisper
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