Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Wasteland

He took me to a
bad place

 

where impaled angels
beseeched

a broken sky

 

and wishes walked
behind the dead.


We_ come to hell!
    

the ‘L’ swung loose
like a noose over my head

 

dripped

neon blue lies onto

my skin

 

scarred all beauty

with ugly

 

then pecked away

at my pupils
until I was blind -

your love is killing me

my punishment
was his coiled madness

 

...move, and

he would strike fast.

 

A held-down sacrifice
with no way out,
I embraced my fate

 

licked the sweat

from his brow

 

told him I would never leave...

Author notes

Prompt: ugly love

2 edits

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 42 of 42

  • afroqban
    October 24

    Edit | Reply
    you took this and ran with it. i dont have a favorite part because it all captured me in such a great way. again, amazing, i am such a big fan


  • Cat gold member
    October 23

    Edit | Reply
    have you watched "true blood" yet? Each time i read the opening line of your poem i start singing the theme song of true blood
    I wanta do bad things with you...

    if you have no idea what i am talking about- you should you tube it.. the song catches you...


    "We_ come to hell!


    the ‘L’ swung loose
    like a noose over my head" _ i thought this exchange was clever as hell- and i am a huge fan of clever in poetry-
    i liked the neon after that
    as though it may have been a literal sign.. i like that

    also liked
    wishes walk behind the dead

    the poem was tight without a wasted word anywhere- i do think
    there were a couple commonly used images and language that
    could have been juiced up- "the snake image, the pecked away image, embracing your fate.. "
    but you end with a strong image of licking the brow
    which was impactful

    and i like the final line also..

    a good poem lane- glad to find it here


    m


    • Dalaney gold member
      October 23
      Edit | Reply
      No, I can't hear the theme song but OH MY GOD am I a fan of True Blood!! lol I would let Bill do anything he damn well wanted to to me! lol I was crushed when Sookie's grandmother was killed, weren't you?? And, I love Tara to death....do you think Sam has something to do with the murders? He's rather odd...Girl...you've got to find me Sunday after this next episode...I've been dying to talk to someone about this show Oh, and thank you for the great comment on my poem. (Don't you just love Lafayette, too?) lol

      Lane

      • Cat gold member
        October 23
        Edit | Reply
        oh, you should google the lyrics.. you would love it! especially in conjunction with those creepy ass opening scenes! the fox that decomposes.. oh my god..

        i love jason stackhouse.. i am too old for him.. but that would not stop me..

        but it is bill that just gets me.. his cold eyes- his deadness..lol.. i would pull a sookie and let him bite me too

        i can't decide if they are trying to make us think sam has something to do with it.. or if he really does
        and the obvious will play out.. but with that show.. who knows..

        i rewound
        and watched that scene like three times when the grandmother died.. and then when my daughter got home i stayed up late so i could see her reaction..

        so is this hippy chick a vamp?

        • Dalaney gold member
          October 23
          Edit | Reply
          Jason cracks me UP! lol My God, does he have the best part in the show or what?? lol I swear to God, when he took V the first time and Tara had to take him to the ER I thought I was going to die laughing. He's such a goober, you have to love him. But, like you, it is Bill. I can't believe he's an Aussie (so is Jason). Bill epitomizes what every woman dreams of - he's there when you need him, absolutely fine as hell, and he's gone all day My girlfriend Susan thinks Sam is a werewolf or something like it. She thinks he killed Sookie's grandmother. I'm not so sure about that, but I know there is something strange about him - did you see how he rolled around on that dead girls bed sniffing her sheets??? Come on! I just don't want anything to happen to Tara. Again, she makes me laugh with her spunkiness, and at the same time, breaks my heart when she looks at Jason with such love. If you are a Vamp....count me in, cause this is the first time I can say I am HOOKED on a television show. I wonder who the vampires were that got toasted in the fire? Damn, I have to get going but I'll be here Sunday and let you know what I think

          • Cat gold member
            October 23
            Edit | Reply
            i wondered about the werewolf connection also.. when he rolled around
            and sniffed the sheets it made me wonder..

            no.. i meant the hippy chick that jason picked up in the vamp bar.. i think she might be getting ready to put the eternal bite on him...lol

            i am probably wrong though.


  • Grunts Girl
    October 21

    Edit | Reply
    ''He took me to a
    bad place

    where impaled angels
    beseeched

    a broken sky

    and wishes walked
    behind the dead.''

    The choice of 'bad'-- child like. wishes walked behind the dead is an extremely vivid picture and feeling of extreme hope lost to me.

    ''We_ come to hell!

    the ‘L’ swung loose
    like a noose over my head

    dripped

    neon blue lies onto

    my skin''

    nice way to introduce hell, clever and the picture painted was clear. Again a child like quality with loose and noose rhyming... subtle but where it took me. The choice of neon blue--- sky like-- but twisted. Maybe you had another reason for choosing neon blue? Blue being a color of communication in holistic therapy--- made me think tying it with lies was a good choice.

    ''scarred all beauty

    with ugly

    then pecked away

    at my pupils
    until I was blind -''

    i liked this part a lot because it gave me the feeling of losing without the control...defenseless- that sort of thing...and the choice pecked with neon blue earlier... puts together the two nicely.

    ''your love is killing me''

    a strong point but I don't think it is needed in this. Unless it is the intention to tell me-- but you have shown me - and shown me strongly.

    ''my punishment
    was his coiled madness

    ...move, and

    he would strike fast.''

    and here we add the reptilian feature... coiled hinting to snake--- and all that the serpent represents makes this meaty. Striking fast again reminds me of the helplessness/defenselessness...
    (if thats a word lol)

    ''A held-down sacrifice
    with no way out,
    I embraced my fate

    licked the sweat

    from his brow

    told him I would never leave...''

    'with no way out'- i feel is a redundant line. The image of a held- down sacrifice is so strong. The embracing actually shows strength in a weird way.
    Acceptance to make it through and be a survivor.
    and then the end.... reminds me of those kids who end up protecting their attackers---- like those kids kidnapped.... just where i went...
    though this was so dark.... there was a weird level of strength and survivorlike quality to it.

    Thank you for taking the time to enter our contest. This was a very strong piece.



  • CaliOkie silver member
    October 20

    Edit | Reply
    This is so intense. You chilled me to the bone. This is one of the best poems I have read in a while -- the imagery, the "story," and the emotion elicited combine to create a real picture of living hell. Very dark indeed.

    I wish I could write as well as you do -- this one is going to be an inspiration for me; striving for my next level. Breathlessly stunning.

    Regarding your note to me, I'd marry you for this one -- guess I'm a sick twisted freak.

    This was particularly good:

    where impaled angels
    beseeched
    a broken sky

    Took the wind out of me like a gut punch. Wicked good.




    Garrison


  • Swan song gold member
    October 18
    Edit | Reply
    Ugly love is what this is but what an excellent poem!


  • LiMarie silver member
    October 11

    Edit | Reply
    Gosh this is so powerful.. let's see ,you remind me with this of every bad relationship I've tortured myself with,and why I don't do that anymore. "Scarred all beauty with ugly" is exactly it, you start out loving those bad for you types so hard and they chip away at it..oh and the next stanza is a wonderfully original take on the love is blind thang, and the momentum gained in the next stanza's is as disturbing and as inevitable as the real thing. Beauty of a write.

  • Yvette Champ
    October 10

    Edit | Reply
    Yes, this is a poetic testimony to the ugliness of an experience that wastes the body of the land it invades. Creative crafting /wordplay with the "L" dropping from welcome and inviting to hell.

    Neat.


  • PoesyPeruser
    October 9
    Edit | Reply
    I am pulled down with the vision of it. If one cannot flee abuse we are broken down to accept it.


  • DolceVito gold member
    October 9

    Edit | Reply

    Another treasure

    I just joined the A P bunch, so everything I want to say about your work has already been said. As I learn to navigate, I keep unearthing one treasure after another. Thank you, Lane. Your poetry rocks,
    Vito


  • Sesheta
    October 8

    Edit | Reply
    Chaos...sharp twists and turns...a rollercoaster...brilliance. The description of a bad emotional place...metaphors (always)...poweful imagery and highlighted phrases to shiver my blood...that ending...oh, you muddle my thoughts, and all I can exclaim is "Amazing!" over and over!


  • uglyfetus
    October 8

    Edit | Reply
    Wow you took this prompt on so many different levels its not even funny
    I really wish you good luck in this contest because you did the prompt so well and had such a unique flavor to it.
    Not to mention the ending was a twist.

    Good luck in the contest.


  • sheltered
    October 8
    Edit | Reply
    ugly and beautiful...
    I think she's got it!
    Great metaphor
    and that ending... perfect


  • poetryality silver member
    October 8

    Edit | Reply
    You begin this wondrous work by letting the reader know where you are; "a bad place" and "he took you" there. The second line is such a great visual. I believe the "angels" were unaware.

    "and wishes walked
    behind the dead."

    The imagery in that line is an awe moment for me.

    Love can be "blinding", especially when you know it is unsuited for you but for reasons of that big "L", you cannot let go.

    As usual dear sister, you rock the word! Your poetry is addictive as is "ugly love" sometimes. I loved the title as well.

    BRILLIANT!

    I wish you the best in the challenge but I can't see anyone reading this and not seeing that it indeed is a WINNER! I'll wish you the best in the contest anyway!


    Always ♥

    Renee


  • Matt Holck
    October 7
    Edit | Reply
    this is good

  • WolfHeart gold member
    October 7
    Edit | Reply
    Stirred me deeply. Very fine poetry that coils itself around the soul and mine answers. Love this.


  • AsIThink gold member
    October 7

    Edit | Reply

    Such power...

    You certainly don't need me to say this, but your word-choices are astounding; the construction of your craft amazes me. This was such a deep, murky write...I was (nearly) 'impaled' myself by the sharpness in its tone and intensity. Just excellent really. So much power in these dark images here. What wonderful lines:

    "scarred all beauty

    with ugly

    then pecked away

    at my pupils
    until I was blind -

    your love is killing me" ---- fascinating Dalaney.

    AsIThink.


  • IronMaiden1236
    October 7
    Edit | Reply
    God BLESS!!! Having experienced this, Holy crap you got it to the bone!


  • notorious
    October 7

    Edit | Reply

    Holy HELL, Lane.

    Suddenly Satan doesn't seem so glorious here...

    Anyways, estoy feo, in the prettiest way imaginable!!!
    (Yeah, my Spanglish sucks compared to Meg! )
    LMAO.

    Love those first two lines--"bad place" is just vague and detailed enough and you always know how to balance the 2.

    Love 'beseeched' and I've noticed...EVERY time you use the word 'sky', you make it into the most nifty thing ever. I still remember "raspberry sky" and have not found an appropriate way to shoplift it into a poem...but I will, I will.

    "neon blue lies"
    OMG!
    Love the imagery...bloody amazing use of 'neon'--seems to emphasize how glaring and obvious the lies are.

    "pecked away"
    Oh my, that bird isn't playing nice with you... Very coolio use of 'pecked' for this context!!!

    "coiled madness"
    Makes me think of serpents.
    Me gusta serpent imagery, intentional or not.

    And...
    may I say, you ROCK my face off when you use hyphens correctly?!!!

    Great ending--estoy feo indeed.

    But poetic...
    DUH.



    Jessicaaaaa


  • Tennessee-Joe
    October 7
    Edit | Reply

    Harvey

    You leave me speachless.

    Joe


  • balenciaga silver member
    October 6
    Edit | Reply
    oye vey. talk about an ugly love, but this is great .


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    Love the power of understatement in the first two lines. Your images are perfectly constricting, and the reader feels even the strength of her gasp wane as we move toward the end.

    I like the truth of the pecking...for it is the reason she allows herself to succomb.

    Excellent.


  • Amarillistarshot
    October 6

    Edit | Reply

    Intense

    I can relate to some of this, yet I know that there are parts that I can't fathom. This poem gives an extremely intense picture of pain, and acceptance of something that should never be accepted. The poem is shockingly beautiful, only because you could take this experience, and describe it with near perfection. The analogies and metaphors are stunning. Well done.


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    Powerful title to start with and the short stanzas/lines gives it a sort of soft punchy feeling; like rough sex.


    Brilliant Lane,
    With much love,
    mj.


  • parenchma
    October 6
    Edit | Reply
    he has to sleep sometime


    run!
  • Topnotchsy
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is ugly and painful and brilliant all at once.

    "We_ come to hell!

    the ‘L’ swung loose
    like a noose over my head

    dripped
    neon blue lies onto
    my skin"

    Wow!!


  • Pure Thought silver member
    October 6
    Edit | Reply

    My LAdy

    you don't see me cuss much, but G...Fn... D that is one ugly ass love.


  • Swangrnv gold member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply

    This is not..

    FAIR!! How in the world can you continue blow my mind
    to itty bitty pieces, and expect me to function? Outstanding piece, wow! Another gem! "wishes walked
    behind the dead."


    We_ come to hell! powerful.



  • BehindTheShadow gold member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    hot damn! I have so been there! You put my life experiences so brlliantly into words. At least that is how I perceive it, lol. Wonderful job!


  • arafura
    October 6
    Edit | Reply
    Yes. I see it, poet! Excellent work.


  • Jersene gold member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    This one hurts...you've captured the prompt and you certainly leave the reader with a feeling of ugliness.


  • delightfulmess gold member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    Oh goodness... This sure packed a punch!
    I can relay to this piece way to well... makes me see my own situations a little more differently.

    "the ‘L’ swung loose
    like a noose over my head

    dripped
    neon blue lies onto
    my skin"......................

    Holy smokes this part was so vivid in my mind and so very powerful!

    This is truely a emotional sensation!

    Best of luck in the contest.



    Delila


  • moluv10
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    "You told me you would never leave, licked the sweat from my brow in an attempt to reprieve
    do you remember you left the "L" swinging
    so we_come to the ug_y _ove that He_ _ is bringing....

    I couldn't help it Laney, your words always inspire me. Best of luck in the contest dear.


  • Ylova silver member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! This was an amazing take on the prompt. Great read Lanem! I enjoyed every bit of this! Good luck in the contest.


  • tara wilson gold member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    I like the lines breaks...

    the title is perfect, catching... - the ending is so sad

    "We_ come to hell!


    the ‘L’ swung loose
    like a noose over my head"


    I love what you did here visually with the L! very creative...


    well done with the prompt...




  • tomisb
    October 6
    Edit | Reply
    What do I know? Best of luck.

    Peace,
    Tom B.


  • Allan Emery silver member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    What the "L"? Ha ha ha. This was a barroom brawl of a poem. I don't see how you could not get something shiny for this. I need to ice down my knuckles and put some steak on my face.


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    You took the prompt and hit the nail right on the thumb! The little concrete trick with the swinging L is perfect. I thought, for a bad moment, you were getting too metaphorical/metaphysical on my ass, but then I got to the end and - bump! - we were back down to earth, with a girl cutting the word "victim" into her own forehead. Good stuff, kissin' C.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    October 6
    Edit | Reply
    That is DARK!!!

    I love the swinging L though

1 - 42 of 42