coins litter the floor:
they fell
out of a piggy bank.
absentmindedly,
i count quarters.
there are seventeen
(that i can see).
seventeen quarters,
fouty-two dimes,
twelve pennies.
i count them
in my head:
there's no air
in my lungs to count
out loud.
you close my throat
with your perfection
and my
inadequacy.
Author notes
It's bad. I admit.
Title prompt: obstructed airways.
A contest entry
- PIF: lucky dip [titles] :D by mesmerized--x.
550 points, ended October 27, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I like the last stanza, it's a really strong ending and I like the imagery and metaphor within it.
in the second last stanza you said count a couple times and when reading it, it seemed really redunant.. so maybe use a different word one of the times?
otherwise it was still a good write.
thanks for entering and goodluck
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okay so it seems to be that every poem i click on is amazing. this is no exception. extremely original and excellent use of words and oh BTW you displayed great form. gee, i guess what i am saying is me likes this.
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Interesting Outlook...
I don't see that it is a bad piece...it is a unique take on the prompt...I like that you penned that you could not count aloud for his perfection closed your throat and intensified your inadequacies to your minds eye. Great write in my opinion. Yours in poetry,
gypsy
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your title is:
obstructed airways
goodluck. -
can't wait to see what you've written.
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lol I don't even have the prompt yet (:
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