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Erased sun-flower

erased sun-flower -
they eliminate weeds
from field of sprout

Author notes

Amaranthine Lover
Zvrhlík
---------------------------
Secretary of Nature

A contest entry

Is grammar O.K? I´m not native speaker. So I can make a mistake very easy. [Reward: double points]

    I plan to revise this poem, please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10
  • regal777
    10 hours ago
    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, very intense. Such effort deserves such points...


  • Amaranthine Lover silver member
    November 22
    Edit | Reply
    a quite different piece, very straight to the point

  • Victoria of Aragon
    November 21
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    One in this that I can see is that this is not a haiku. Haikus have a five-seven-five syllable count. This poem has a five-six-four syllable count. Perhaps there is another form of haiku that I am not familiar with that utilizes this type of pattern, but I'm not familiar with it.

    As for grammar... it's really hard to say. In poetry, course grammar can sometimes help - or hinder - what the author was trying to convey. For this piece, I think the strange phrasing and short phrases add to what a weed does. That's just me, however
  • Vera Rich gold member
    November 20
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Sorry - you seem to have misunderstood the requirements of my competition - it was for poems about Poetry and/or poets.

    Regarding your asking about grammar etc? "Fields of sprout" sounds VERY odd indeed.

    There is a type of vegetable called "Brussels sprouts" (which are like very small cabbages - many of them growing on the same stalk), but they are always referred to in the plural. I do not think that here you wanted to refer to a specific crop here.

    Abd I have to say that I do not understand what you mean by an "erased|" sunflower. To erase normally means to rub out (as one rubs out a false line in a pencil drawing). It CAN be used metaphorically to mean to kill or to destroy - but that does not seem to make sense here either.

  • SilverScent gold member
    November 11
    Edit | Reply
    As most people have said before me, the grammar is spot on. I think this haiku can be interpreted in many ways depending on the reader's persona.
    I for one enjoyed the expression of "erased sunflower" that line alone conjures many thoughts and images in my mind.
    Thanks for sharing this. Best of luck in the contest.

    . Rewarded 6


  • Lady-Kalina
    November 7
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your entry.
  • trekkergirl silver member
    October 24
    Edit | Reply
    Yeah I think your grammar is fine. This one actually makes sense to me. I have trouble with haikus put lately I have read a lot of them and I don't always get them. This one I did. Good write. Thanks for entering my contest. I really appreciate it.

    . Rewarded 4


  • SmokinHotWhiteTiger
    October 22
    Edit | Reply
    you did fine with yuor grammer and well you did a bang up job inc reating this Haiku. what really struck me most was how you wrote this. I mean your word useage is quite interesting and fifferent and the visualization is very stunning and forseeable. any ways over all a brilliant haiku and the very best of luck in the contests to you

    . Rewarded 6

  • piccola gold member
    October 15

    Edit | Reply
    this is really nice. It seems simple on the face but then makes you think. I enjoyed the images of the sunflower. Thank you for entering.

  • leave.an.impression
    October 14
    Edit | Reply
    ty for entering good luck
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