Walking along briskly,
Always in such a rush,
Snake slithers lithely,
Slow through the brush.
It makes me stop,
Trees painted orange for later to chop,
It makes me think,
I wear myself out or I don’t get a wink.
Fenced off, far from my flurry of fury
Debarks a dark star down to the dirt
Dancing down a habanera he’s in no hurry,
However the end of sunshine has him hurt.
He is a sweet gum herald
Telling me of the breaking day,
From the height of a sparrow,
He tells me there’s peace from this fray.
From his apex there is gold
Breaking through the black,
The sable is beauty but I’m not that bold
I must breathe and see to watch my back.
In such a state and so far from home
Still has hope enough to spare for me,
He'll return home, not doomed to roam,
He is only parted for a time from the tree.
Rubbery now his pasty flesh
Will be crunching under quick footsteps
Soon he’ll be but a dusty mush
Rain pounding him in the dirt to mother roots.
Not an escape from sorrow
Nor from all the sad goodbyes
Just the prediction that, like always, tomorrow
I will see again, my sweetgum sunrise.
Author notes
Well, I'm no good at life on earth, so you'll have to deal with the in between.
A contest entry
- Give me ur best!! by Forbidden Kiss.
526 points, ended October 17, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Will Be Leaving... by High Flyer.
1500 points, ended November 2, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Choice... by Lilzipan.
550 points, ended November 16, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i am also a fan of the title. it just has an amazing image tied to it : ) i didn't see the first draft of the poem but i like the way it is now.
this has nothing to do with your poem, but i also like the author note. i'm not sure if you've thought about it before but you should use that as a starting line in a poem sometime...
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The prompt was life on earth and making him feel better about it I believe but I've been messing up a bit too much lately to write about my own experiences in a good light. That's where the author's note came from.
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love the title... your rhyme scheme is good, it doesn't feel contrived and it flows quite naturally. nature imagery isdifficult to write i find, since it is easy to be somewhat redundant, but yours are fresh and interesting. the only criticism i have is hat the poem is a little wordy. a piece of advice i have taken with me in regard to writing poetry is to "use less words to convey more". i find it worthwhile to challenge oneself to do this, to rid the poem of all unnecessary conjunctions ,pronouns etc. so that the words that remain have a more powerful effect.just a suggestion!
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criticism would be a few too many words [oh like five or six in the whole poem] that add less than one might want...visually the poem gets wider as it goes.. a sentence might have His and him, 'the' might be over used...but that is all I can find to criticize, and would not have without being asked....because more than anything else, i think it is a fine piece of writing...you had some good ideas here, and carried them out very well in wonderful small open words...very skillful...very well done...PK
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Thank you so much for the criticism. It helped, I fixed it up a bit, and then changed more. I didn't like how clustered and confused it was at the end. My wordiness is a constant problem, but thank you very much.
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