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sinthusa virgo

.

the wind calls
fruitlessly

to parts of you
that haven't responded
for longer than

i care to remember

.

chips of plaster
pepper the carpet

already salted
with ignorance

where dust
marks the passage
of time and
purposeless movements

.

but in your
fairytale years

you built a window

so the butterflies
could rest
in your pale eyes

.

Author notes

sinthusa virgo: is a type of butterfly; it translates as "pale spark".

A contest entry

This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.

    I plan to revise this poem, please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    November 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Really love that first vignette.. stunning write all round!


  • notorious gold member
    November 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love the title; I hate the word 'exotic', but I love the context I am using it in to describe this poem.

    The idea of wind calling is one that's been done before, but 'fruitlessly'; I get this image of you ignoring the wind saying, "Llllyyyyy!" LMAO

    "to parts of you"
    Nice; it's simple & striking.

    "already stained
    with ignorance"
    Hmm, maybe expand on that? I love the word 'ignorance'; you have some kick-ass thoughts I want to see more of. Maybe make a juxtaposition with 'salt' (used in a non-salty way; kind of like how you used 'pepper' in a way that didn't relate to the NOUN peper) or something...what do you think?

    Ahhh that last vignette...my favorite.

    Love it!!!

    Jessica


  • PersephoneInWinter
    November 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    first the editing, and its only my opinion lol

    "already stained
    with ignorance

    where dust
    marks the passage
    of time and
    purposeless movements"

    i just think that its a bit choppy between the thoughts of these two stanzas. maybe a coma or period on the end of "ignorance" will make it a bit clearer, idk haha.

    and i love love love the third part of this poem! its SO beautiful!

    i love the overall abstractness of the poem too ^.^


    • Polaja gold member
      November 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I knew it was a little choppy, that's why the middle part is in italics, to show that it is a separate observation thank you for your lovely comments I'm glad you like what I write!

  • ml12
    November 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'm glad you included the third part...for me it is the one that reminds me that their is a pale spark rather than just light traveling from a distant past. I find the use of 'i' in the first part interesting. I enjoyed the part about the dust, I like dust (it's amazing), and I guess you're right about it. Thanks

1 - 5 of 5