In the land's darkest years
Of violence and rage
From prejudicial fears
Before the golden age
Into the human race
Altiny was born
His parents died by grace
Of a poisonous thorn
Near the cold northern shore
The child was raised by elves
In days of zealous war
When men detested elves
And hearts were filled with rage
Stout and brave, Altiny
Became of ready age
To seek his destiny.
From the cold northern shore
For his dear elfin king
Upon his breast he wore
A bright emerald ring
Tied to a golden chain
Pride of the northern elves
Symbol of elfin reign
That held some mystic spells.
At Pools of Restiny
Go find your Destiny
Into the dead’s abode
And it will be foretold
The path to end the war
Between elves and men evermore
Upon the northern sea
He set sail to the east
To seek the wizardry
Of the ancient deceased
Kings and warriors bold
Both men and elves alike
Long before hearts were cold
When valor stood for right.
A dragon-toothed arrow
Within his gold quiver
Birthed in the nymph's meadow
By the enthralled river
Was his valiant slayer
As sharp and as deadly
As an elfin saber
Engaged masterfully.
His ship was built of glass
And diamonds mined by dwarves
Silk sails on silver mast
Found within elfin turves
Sown by golden thread
Decks made of fine gemstones
Elfin flag crimson red
Night and day ever flown.
Red the color of sand
Of my now distant land
Red the color of blood
My sad crimson rose bud
Red the color of fire
My passionate desire
The sea waves played his song
As the breeze chilled his soul
While he voyaged along
Toward his unknown goal
Undaunted he remained
Committed to his course
His boldness unexplained
His heart filled with remorse
His true love left behind
Fairest elf of the shore
Their one heart intertwined
Altiny and Lenore
Keep their true love hidden
Vile prejudicial ways
Makes their love forbidden
To anger set ablaze
Long days and longer nights
His ship sailed though the storms
Creatures rose up for fights
In many dreadful forms
Altiny, his course kept
Not cowed by death nor harm
Although his seamen wept
Not eased by his great charm
In battles of the night
When evil brings fright
When all our hope seems lost
To pay for freedom’s cost
Through we be just a few
Hold onto what is true
But the crew would not sway
And threw him in the sea
During a darkened day
By evil spells decree
Maddening the elf crew
Poisoning the weak mind
With fears changing hope to
A dark reign of mankind
Altiny would have drowned
Had he not by tender
Caring pixies been found
Bright with starlike splendor
Pixies cast spells of light
Floating him to the coast
Driving away the night
Then vanishing as ghosts
He dreamed of his Lenore
A vision full of fears
From the cold northern shore
She had been gone for years
Taken by a dark Lord
On a ghostly grey mare
Bound by an evil cord
To his concealed lair
Awakened from the dream
Altiny had arrived
Near the deceased's regime
Amazed he had survived
To continue his quest
To find his destiny
To make his one request
At Pools of Restiny
At Pools of Restiny
Go find your Destiny
Into the dead’s abode
And it will be foretold
The path to end the war
Between elves and men evermore
Etched on the elfin ring
He read these words once more
His heart began to sing
Of his red northern shore
Hope renewed in his soul
As he pressed on his way
To the Pools of Restiny
For he will not betray
His quest for destiny
Over mountains and hills
Into valleys below
Evil wizards sent chills
Blocking his path with snow
‘La lumière d'émeraude fond'
‘Light of emerald melt'
The snow became a pond
By this warm spell he dealt.
Trolls would not grant passage
So arrows through their hearts
Attained him free access
Goblins shot poisoned darts
But goblins were no-match
For dragon toothed arrows
He left without a scratch
Moving through the narrows
Beyond the narrows lay
The Pools of Restiny
Only one night away
To know his destiny
Through the dark he went on
To gaze into the pool
By the breaking of dawn
For this was the dead's rule
‘Me montrer ma destinée'
‘Show me my destiny'
Uttered Altiny
At Pools of Restiny
‘Find your love left behind
Fairest elf of the shore
Be one heart intertwined
Marry your love Lenore'
Through many more perils
Altiny for his love
Would go on to travel
To unite with his love
He would find her rescued
By men the elves hated
Over the wars ensued
From vile spells of hatred
Hatred exits no more
For the true love of
Altiny and Lenore
Brought peaceful love
Between elves and men evermore
Author notes
"Hurray! A cry for victory!"
I would appreciate grammar and spelling corrections. It's a long poem. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and comment.
Written September 6th, 2004
In a list
- Creatures of the Moon group list • next in list
A contest entry
- - The Fantasy contest - by Aureola.
300 points, ended September 10, 2006, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fantasy indeed. by Touch of Osiris.
600 points, ended September 26, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sapphire's Saga by Sensual Sapphire.
3530 points, ended April 3, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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I LOVED IT!!!! The ending is the best, I think! I love happy endings! Good job with this!
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That was great and I very much enjoyed reading it. You are very creative.
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Eureka! This is pure gold! I am amazed and to be honest, my soul is a little closer to fulfillment. This poem was splendid! No, splendid simply doesn't do it justice. I adore epic poems, I adore everything that has to do with this genre, but to find all my favourite themes, the world of fantasy, heroic deeds, magic, sacrifice and oh, the eternal search for one's destiny, well, it is overwhelming, and I gladly bow to this poetic tytan. Yours are the verses of eons, you should definitely publish this, or at least make sure it is known and remembered. I thank you for taking me on waves similar to those of Beowulf, on quests as romantic and as wrought with perils as those of the ancient kingdoms. Altiny is glorious, richly created, a symbolic liason between two very different people. And do we not need such a bond to unite this war-drenched world? I sigh at the profound meanings of your story. This is an epic in so many ways, starting from its basic steps of length, complexity and recurring motives (my favourites being the destiny that lies at the Pools of Restiny and the fairest elf off the cold northern shore), and ending with meanings disguised in enchanting characters, truths draped in symbols of ancient heroics, of magic and the conquest over war. It has been an honour to read this, and I wish you the best, simply the best in the contest!
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woa! This one is really amazing! I love this part:
At Pools of Restiny
Go find your Destiny
Into the dead’s abode
And it will be foretold
The path to end the war
Between elves and men evermore
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wow this is GREAT i love fantasy, you did a great job
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Yes, I corrected the spelling error. Thanks for catching. Thanks for taking the time to carefully read such a long poem. Thanks for the trophy.
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Hey! Thank you for entering! Wow, I just love epic (fantasy) poetry. It gets to me everytime I read it. This tale is very beautiful indeed, once again good prevailed over evil because of love. I love this concept, and I think it's great that yo sed it here. I think that there are 2 minor spellng mistakes:
Globins shot poisoned darts
But globins were no-match
Do you mean goblins? Anyway, this is a very good poem,
keep it up and good luck in the contest.
♥ Aureola -
This is really good... I'm not too fond of fantasy but it was very well written, I am helping Megan judge her epic contest so good luck and thanks for entering
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Yes, Kethry's comments helped me to improve the piece.
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WOW! How do you follow a critique by Kethry! She was super thourough. I must say that I found this write extremely well written, descriptive, and enjoyable. I tend to lose interest with epic poems, but you held my attention easily. I thought the italic stanzas worked well with this write. I am at a loss for criticism. I truly believe this was fantastic (I am also very fond of reading fantasy, so I might be a a bit biased).
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Thanks I appreciate the acknowledgment of the effort. I am asking for criticism and help because I'm not satisfied, so appreciate the comments pointing out errors or how it might be better as well. Thanks again.
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Ya know, this was great. All those people up there talking about errors need ta SHUSH lol. I can tell alot of thought and work went into this! Great job, keep it up
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There were almost too many adjectives for my liking... like every line followed the same grammatical format. That picked up towards the middle of the piece and really started moving for me. You have a great vision with this, though, and I enjoyed being part of it.
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Thanks. I've taken some of your suggestions. I still plan on revamping some more when I have more time. I appreciate the help. That was my purpose in posting a first draft before I was completely satisfied. Perspective and suggestions from poets like you help tremendously.
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You may kill me for this but as you wish:
In the land's darkest years
Of violen[t] ce and outrage
From prejudicial fears
Before the golden age
Into the human race
Aldatiny was born
His parents died by grace
Of a poisonous thorn
Near the cold, northern shore
The child was raised by elves
In days of zealous war
When men detested selves
And hearts were filled with rage
Stout, brave, Aldatiny
Became of moral age
And sought his destiny.
Upon the northern sea
He set sail to the east
To seek the wizardry
Of the ancients deceased
Kings and warriors [of old] bold
Both men and elves alike
Long before hearts were cold
When valor stood for right.
From the cold northern shore
For his dear elfin king
Upon his breast he wore
A bright and emerald ring
Tied to a golden chain
Pride of the northern elves
Symbol of elfin reign
Bearing mystical spells. This line has the right number of syllables but it doesn’t scan for some reason.
That bore some mystic spells?
Then before the quest
/At Pools of Restiny
Go find your Destiny
Where the [deceased abode] dead do not bleed
And [it will be foretold] it has been decreed
The path to end the war
of elves and men e[v] 'ermore/
A dragon-toothed arrow
Within his gold quiver
Birthed in the nymph's meadow
By the enthralled river love these last four lines
Was his valiant slayer
As sharp and as deadly
As an elfin saber
Engaged masterfully.
His ship was built of glass
And diamonds mined by dwarves
Silk sails on silver mast
Found within elfin turves
Sown by golden thread
Decks made of fine gemstones
Elfin flag crimson red
Night and day ever flown.
/Red the color of sand
Of my now distant land
Red the color of blood
My sad crimson rose bud
Red the color of ire
My passionate desire
Red the color of eyes
My tearful mournful cries/ You only have six lines for the quest piece so make all six or eight lines for consistency.
I’m not sure why remorse comes into this verse as it’s not mentioned before.
His true love left behind
Fairest elf of the shore
Their one heart intertwined
Aldatiny ‘n' Lenore This has seven syllables
Keep their true love hidden
Vile prejudicial ways
Makes their love forbidden
To anger set ablaze
This verse would flow better if it was placed here.
The sea waves played his song
As the breeze chilled his soul
While he voyaged along
Long days and longer nights
Aldatiny's ship sailed on This has seven syllables rather than six but it works
Toward his unknown goal
Undaunted he remained
Committed to his course
His boldness unexplained
His heart filled with remorse
Long days and longer nights
Aldatiny's ship sailed on
Facing perilous frights
Creatures of mighty brawn
Rising from the sea's deep
Bringing much death and harm
Causing crews' hearts to weep
Not eased by captain's charm. I know why you’ve put this here but it interrupts the flow. You could try.
Long days and longer nights
His ship sailed though the storms
Monsters rose up for fights
And took upon all forms
Aldatiny, course kept
Not cowed by death or harm
Although his seamen wept
Not eased by his great charm
When the crew under sway
Threw him into the sea
It was a darkened day
By evil spells decree
Maddening the elf crew
Poisoning the weak mind
With fears changing hope to
A dark reign of mankind
In the dark of night
When power takes flight
And all else is lost
To pay for love’s cost
Hold onto what’s true
In her love for you
Aldatiny would've drowned
Had he not by tender
Caring pixies been found
Bright with starlike splendor
Pixies cast spells of light
Floating him to the coast
Driving away the night
Then vanishing as ghosts
Awakened from a dream
Aldatiny had arrived
At the deceased's regime
Amazed he had survived
To continue his quest
To find his destiny
To make his [single] one request
At Pools of Restiny
Etched on the elfin ring
He read these words once more
His heart began to sing
Of his red northern shore
Hope renewed in his soul
As he pressed on his way
To the enchanted pools
[From his path he wouldn't sway] He’ll find his path today
Though it a course for fools
Over mountains and hills
Into valleys below
Evil wizards sent chills
Blocking his path with snow
‘La lumière d'émeraude fond'
‘Light of emerald melt'
The snow became a pond
By this warm spell he dealt. I’m not sure how necessary this verse is. It seems to me it doesn’t serve any purpose except to show off your French.
Trolls wouldn't [allow] grant passage
So arrows through their hearts
Attained him free access
Globins shot poisoned darts
But globins were no-match
For dragon toothed arrows
He left without a scratch
Moving through the narrows This is a wonderful verse, descriptive and concise
Beyond the narrows lay
The Pools of Restiny
Only a night away
To know his destiny
Through the dark he went on
To gaze into the pool
By the breaking of dawn
For this was the dead's rule Now according you, you’ve already reached the pools of Restiny and are on your way back. Which do you want it to be?
‘Me montrer ma destinée'
‘Show me my destiny'
Uttered Aldatiny
At Pools of Restiny
‘Find your love left behind
Fairest elf of the shore
Be one heart intertwined
Marry your love Lenore'
Through many more perils
Aldatiny her love
Would go on to travel
To unite with his love
He would find her rescued
By men the elves hated
Over the wars ensued
From vile spells of hatred
Hatred exists no more
Aldatiny ‘n' Lenore
Brought peaceful love
Through cleansing of
The deepening wells
Between men and elves
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I liked this the rhyme was excellent but the rhythm seemed to skip rather than glide. Although you told a good story I thought it dragged just a little in the middle. However, what's one man's meat is another's poison so others may appreciate the slower pace in the middle. Good luck in the contest.
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Hatred exits no more
For the true love of
Aldatiny ‘n' Lenore
Brought peaceful love
Between men and elves
wow...its so amazing...although i didnt really find any grammar and spelling corrections...but i normally dont look for that kind of stuff...and i also dont think poetry really has any grammar rules...spelling is a different story...but i did find one...grammar is spelt g-r-a-m-m-a-r not g-r-a-m-m-e-r...i dont think you really wanted to know that...anyways...keep it up...good luck in the contest...and keep writing!
~me -
I like this. I will read in more detail again and come up with some errors i can help you with. But at first glance i really didn't find any. I just liked it. keep up the good work.
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